Packers Sign Highly-Touted Free Agent God to Replace Injured Jordy Nelson

In an unprecedented and controversial move spurred from desperation, the Green Bay Packers have officially announced the high-profile signing of God as a wide receiver.

Following the season-ending injury to Aaron Rodgers’ favorite target, Jordy Nelson, the Packers feared their team could quickly plummet from Super Bowl favorites to struggling to even make the playoffs. Fortunately, after consulting with religious expert Glover Quin, a safety for the Detroit Lions, the Packers were reassured their despair was unwarranted.

“"God had meant for Jordy to be hurt,” Glover Quin commented. “If he wouldn't have got hurt today, if he wouldn't have played in that game, if he wouldn't have practiced anymore and the next time he walked on the field would have been opening day, I feel like he would have got hurt opening day.” http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/13509480/glover-quin-detroit-lions-defends-god-comment-jordy-nelson-injury

Known previously as a controversial figure and mentor to several athletes, God had previously been content to insure that players catch footballs for touchdowns, kick a ball between two posts for field goals, and insure that teams were stupid enough to continue to sign Tim Tebow to play quarterback.

In his first press conference sporting his new Packers gear, God explained his thought process leading up this unusual decision. “I mean I’m God, but Aaron Rodger is Aaron Rodgers!” God marveled. “I simply couldn’t miss the opportunity to team up with him in his prime. If I had to take out Jordy Nelson in the process so be it. It’s been said that I work in mysterious ways.”

                While avid NFL fans are eager to see God at the line of scrimmage every Sunday afternoon, others fear this could interrupt his primary duties as supreme ruler of the entire world. Ha! I bet you couldn’t read that with a straight face either. Everyone knows that God only cares about football.

Despite his new allegiance to the Green Bay Packers, God assures the millions of Americans lounging on their couches that God does sincerely care about your favorite team winning their sports game, and requests that you please continue to pray to him. “No, don’t get up. Don’t change the channel. Don’t go volunteer at your local charity. You sit there, and you demand that God makes sure a 6’5, 300 pound man crosses a white chalk line carrying an awkwardly shaped leather ball.”

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/13369076/houston-texans-arian-foster-goes-public-not-believing-god

 

Hey Guess What? Athletes Are Indeed Human

The Sports World is Shocked to Learn that Athletes Can Make Mistakes, Act Selfishly

Amid the outrage surrounding free agency’s latest “controversy,” DeAndre Jordan’s decision to change his mind (gasp!) and break his verbal agreement with the Dallas Mavericks and re-sign with the Los Angeles Clippers, it has been reaffirmed that professional athletes are actually just human beings.

“Despite their seemingly supernatural athletic abilities when it comes to their sport, in all other areas of social, emotional, and intellectual functioning, athletes are actually just the same as the rest of us,” a respected coach commented, eliciting gasps from the audience.

This realization may have profound implications for the future of athletics. Instead of considering LeBron James to be the spawn of Satan or a larger-than-life pile of horse shit following his decision to form a super-team with the Miami Heat, perhaps there are other explanations. Maybe, just maybe, he enjoys success just like the rest of us, and let this thrill momentarily cloud his judgement. Perhaps being the greatest basketball player on the planet gives him just a bit of an ego. Meanwhile it’s fine if you jump up and down hollering with pride because you just bested your roommate in a game of checkers.

Remember that time you had the chance to give that cute chick from Algebra class a ride home after seventh period, so you told your friend there wasn’t room for him in your car today? Remember how even though this happened no one sent you death threats. No one took a shirt with your name on it and burned it, before putting the video on YouTube. No one vowed to forever hate you and everything you stand for. Considering this fascinating revelation, perhaps it’s time to consider that the things that no one does to normal people should also be the things that no one does to athletes. Or does that hurt your regular person brain to even think about? Relax, knowing that Michael Jordan and Lionel Messi’s brains actually work exactly the same way that yours does.

Earlier this month when England lost the Women’s World Cup semifinal in heartbreaking fashion, as defender Laura Bassett accidentally deflected the ball into her own net, this became a national news story. Not because England lost, but because of the overwhelming support and sympathy Bassett garnered. Previous popular opinion was that athletes respond best to devastating mistakes when their once loyal fans bash them on Twitter and demand the athlete be left to fend off polar bears on a deserted ice cap in the Arctic. With new understanding into the inner workings of the athlete’s brain, it just may be possible that showings of sympathy, like that received by Laura Bassett should be the norm, not a crazy outlier that fans pat themselves on the back for. Congrats you sports enthusiast, for showing the tiniest thread of human decency and not making an athlete who already feels horrible for her accidental mistake feel a million times worse. Do you want a gold star?

The secrets as to why fans consider it acceptable to verbally abuse athletes, but more importantly fellow human beings who happen to play sports for a career, have finally been uncovered. Through groundbreaking advances in technology, scientists were able to uncover that a growing population of sports enthusiasts suffer from a serious condition called being a fucking asshole. Side effects include paying $200 to shout creative insults at a third baseman for three hours, ranting on Facebook about how missing a free throw should carry the same penalty as a third degree assault charge, and realizing deep down that you’re just a jealous, insecure jerk who got cut from the seventh grade B team because you couldn’t make a left-handed layup.

For fans who claim, “But athletes get paid millions of dollars a year and they’re supposed to be professionals. I deserve to yell at them when they screw up!” Sure, athletes miss big shots, they let emotions get the best of them, and yet someway, somehow, life goes on. When that center midfielder “betrayed” your team by transferring to your rival, did it really make your life any worse? Or did it actually enhance it by providing you with an easy option to take your frustrations out on. Someone who can’t defend themselves against thousands of vicious attackers, someone who is trying to make the best for themselves, someone who struggles to make everyone happy, someone who feels emotions, lives and breathes, just like you. (Only they can make the left handed lay-up. Oh and a 360 between-the legs reverse dunk, but that’s besides the point).

There’s No Way an Evil, Corrupt, Money-Crazed, Scandalous Organization Could Also Be Sexist, Right?

Despite the crumbling from within as FIFA has experienced a massive overhaul amid allegations of corruption and bribery, the 2015 Women’s World Cup will continue as planned beginning this Saturday, June 6 in host country Canada.

At first, FIFA President Sepp Blatter believed increasing the chances of horrifying injury by forcing games to be played on turf instead of natural grass, and encouraging the players to wear tighter shorts to “create a more female aesthetic” would be enough to insure a successful competition. However, due to fears over FIFA’s declining popularity, Blatter has implemented a few changes designed to increase the appeal of this month’s highly regarded tournament.

First, for the opening 25 minutes of each competition, the game will be played without a soccer ball on the field. “Do you ever turn on the television to watch your favorite pretty players run around, only to have that pesky ball get in the way?” Blatter explained. “This improvement is designed to showcase the players’ natural physical talent, without any unnecessary distractions.”

Additionally, in order to encourage a more appropriate and ladylike competition, yellow and red cards will be removed and players instead forced to offer a sincere, tearful apology for each foul.

Finally, new, exciting incentives will be offered to the World Cup’s winning team. This change developed in response to complaints about sex differences in wages between men’s and women’s players. For instance Cristiano Ronaldo earns a $19 million base salary, while Abby Wambach, the all time highest goal scorer of any player, male or female, earns $190,000. “We thought about simply increasing wages to women’s players,” Blatter commented. “But hair products and kitchen supplies only cost so much, what would they even do with more money? We decided instead that each person on the winning team gets to keep their very own David Beckham bobble head!”

Despite these unorthodox changes, FIFA has assured the public that all of these improvements are in the best interests of women’s players. “If we’ve learned anything from American politics, it’s that the people most qualified to make decisions about important women’s issues are men,” Blatter stated. “We pride ourselves in housing a 27 member FIFA executive committee that includes only 3 women in insignificant roles.”

Shortly following the announcement of these changes, several top women’s players threatened a lawsuit or even a boycott of the World Cup due to sexist and discriminatory practices. Blatter appeared unconcerned about this potential controversy however, claiming, “It’s probably just that time of the month for all of them.”

Breaking News: Following the announcement of his forced resignation, Blatter was attempting his descendance straight back down to Hell when a well-placed Megan Rapinoe curling free kicking knocked him into the middle of a U6 girls game who all proceeded to kick his ass.

To actually learn something non-satirical about this issue: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/03/sepp-blatter-leaving-fifa-sexist-policies

Minnesota Sports Organizations Apologize for Recent Successes, Promise to Return to Soul-Crushing Performances in the Near Future

An emergency meeting held at the blooming site of the once pitied Metrodome Stadium last night left the top officials of Minnesota professional franchises in a consensus that change is needed.

A string of recent athletic successes has shocked and outraged Minnesota’s loyal fan base. From the Twins current red-hot streak placing them 10 games above .500 and tied for first place, to the luck of the lottery finally handing the Timberwolves a number one overall pick, to the Wild’s deep run in the playoffs, the identity of Minnesota sports faces one of the most severe crises in recent memory.

“I sincerely share in the fans’ disappointment with the current outcome of this season,” Twins owner Jim Pohlad commented. “I promise a swift return to our historically awful roots. Despite our recent setback of sweeping the Boston Red Sox in 3 games of extraordinary pitching prowess, triple digits in losses is not unattainable.”

Statisticians wonder if the damage has already been done. As the wins have piled up the last few months, so have the empty seats. “There are very few things I know for certain in life,” stated a disgruntled fan. “You live, you die, and the Timberwolves are going to lose their next game. But this developing group of promising, young talent is making me question everything I’ve ever believed in.”

For years, Minnesota fans have proudly belonged in their niche as loveable losers. They thrived on supporting teams that pose so little threat to their opponents; one never needs to worry about missing an exciting moment of action to go get a hot dog. You get that hot dog.

The emphasis of last night’s meeting was to stress patience in returning to Minnesota’s losing ways. “The Minnesota sports tradition is a subtle version of awfulness,” Wild Head Coach Mike Yeo said. “A bad trade here, a key injury there, a few poor coaching decisions, and boom you’re in dead last.”

Timberwolves Coach Flip Saunders explained a similar philosophy. “NBA analysts believe there is no way we can go wrong picking either one of the consensus top two picks, Jahil Okafor or Karl-Anthony Towns, but trust me, we will find a way to blow this. Whether it’s drafting Frank Kaminsky who turns out to be the next Darko Milicic, or trading our top pick for an ancient former superstar with half a decent year left, we’ve been through too much to give up and become a playoff contender now.”

While these assurances have done little to calm the nerves of fans that now must actually build up a bit of excitement before watching their team play, they are hopeful for the future. “Every team gets lucky once in a while,” a Twins fan commented. “I have full faith in the team’s ability to destroy this promising season before the all star break’s over.”

Until that day comes, Minnesota sports fans everywhere must live with this new experience. No more cringing after perusing the morning’s box score, no more belly-bursting laughter after a friend suggests that maybe this is finally our year. The terrifying reality is this is our year. Charlie Brown never kicks the football, but somehow ours is sailing smoothly towards the uprights. In our own passive aggressive, Minnesota nice sort of way, we are all groaning about what in the world we did to deserve this unexpected and unwanted fate. If we have to re-sign a time-and-again proven loser like Christian Ponder to continue embarrassing himself at every position for every team, then let’s make it happen. 

American Arsenal Supporters: Please Continue to be the Most Annoying Fans of any Team Ever, Because You Deserve It

The dedication, the sacrifice, the unwavering commitment. These attributes fully describe the lifelong bond between an American Arsenal fan, and their team. 

We get it, you were always an Arsenal fan from birth, there was no other option. It’s not like you thought to yourself, sitting in Ann Arbor, Michigan, or Silver Spring, Maryland, “Hmmm I really like a couple of Arsenal’s players, plus they are always pretty good and have one of the best managers of all time, it’s a fairly safe bet to be a fan of them.” No, your fan-ship goes way beyond that superficial stuff.

You scoff at Manchester United and Barcelona fans. Fair weather fans you call them, only like them because they’re famous and have great players and win. Nothing like our beloved underdogs Arsenal, only coming in second or third, maybe even fourth year after year. Talk about a lovable cinderella. 

You laugh when your non-soccer friend tells you, “I really love Wayne Rooney so I’m a fan of Manchester United.” That’s nothing like you at all, your love of your team goes way deeper, it’s a connection that only you can have, based on your love of everything Arsenal. I mean it’s not like Arsenal has had the fortune of world-famous players as well, Thierry who?

And now you are Arsenal to the bone. Watching the London derby from your couch in the Woodlands, Texas, you totally get the historic London rivalry that happens thousands of miles away from you. You hate Tottenham with a burning passion. When Theo Walcott held up that 2-0 sign during the latest Arsenal derby victory you could almost hear him saying, “This is for you American supporters, you make us the team we are. You get us.”

You know all the chants, even if you’ve never needed to sing them yourself. You think the Emirates is the most beautiful stadium in the world, never mind that you’ve  been only an ocean away. You wish Robin Van Persie would die a fiery death because he betrayed YOU. After all those joys and triumphs you shared together, he left you for another team. That’s like you just choosing to be a fan of another team besides Arsenal, which could never happen because you are a Gunner for life, it was never a just a convenient and obvious choice for your favorite English soccer team. No, your decision was bold and original, that’s why on your college soccer team you’re the only Arsenal supporter, it’s not like there are five or six of you.

So please, continue to take pride in being the most annoying soccer fans in the country. Rub it in the face of all your friends when Arsenal squeaks out a commanding 1-0 victory over an inferior opponent. Update your Facebook status to a video of Van Persie getting injured and tag your Manchester United friends in it. Gloat to everyone who will listen when Arsenal hangs onto it’s first place lead, then bring out every excuse in the book when they eventually fall to third or fourth.

You know that your team is better than everyone else’s team. Your critical insight as an Arsenal fan allows you to know your friends better than they know themselves. They might say “I really couldn’t care less”, when you describe in excruciating detail how Arsenal won a group stage Champions League game. But you know deep down that they really do want to hear about it, which is why you keep talking. Never mind that Arsenal hasn’t won a major trophy in recent memory. You are the team to beat, the English Premier League and even the soccer world revolves around you, and anyone who says otherwise is just jealous of your success.

You deserve it. Arsenal is your team. They are the lovable bunch of low-profile misfits that play soccer the way it’s meant to be played. They are the only team worth watching, Barcelona’s Tiki-taka? That's a joke compared to the beauty of an Aaron Ramsey through ball. So stand up and say loudly, I am an American Arsenal fan, I am entitled to act like a know-it-all jackass, because this is my sport, football (though I call it soccer), my nation, England (though I live in the United States), and my team Arsenal (because I happened to conveniently choose it). Long live the Gunners. 

JR Smith Blows Game After Accidentally Tying Own Shoes Together

New York Knicks guard JR Smith is at it again. The talented but troubled playmaker was fined $50,000 by the NBA last week after a childish prank of untying the shoelace of Dallas Maverick Shawn Marion during a free throw.

A strong reprimand from both commissioner David Stern and the Knicks coaching staff went astonishingly unnoticed as Smith attempted to repeat the feat, this time unsuccessfully, in competition against the Detroit Pistons.

In an unending quest to be the laughing stock of the league, the Knicks reinstated Smith the following game to disastrous consequences. In a tightly contested battle the Knicks led the New Orleans Pelicans by two points when Smith fouled forward Anthony Davis. 

Eager to make amends, Smith took matters into his own hands and attempted his tried and true method. He reached for the closest pair of shoes he could find, unfortunately Smith failed to realize they were his own. Snickering heavily, Smith quickly grabbed the laces of both shoes. 

Mouthing out “loop, swoop, and pull,” he firmly tied both shoelaces together, winking at Coach Woodson, who stared at him in disbelief. Davis nailed the first free-throw, bringing the Pelicans within a point. The second shot clanked off the rim, rebounding to Smith who corralled the ball, a victory all but assured.

Smith strode forward, his shoes helplessly strung together, as his body crashed to the floor. Screaming wildly for a foul call, Smith released the ball into the arms of Davis. Shaking with laughter, Davis managed to put up a wide-open layup as the buzzer sounded, cementing the loss for the Knicks.

Smith stared at his betraying own feet, a perplexed look on his face. Knicks star, Carmelo Anthony offered a hand to the fallen Smith, then after helping him up proceeded to slap him in the face. Eager to retaliate, Smith advanced on Carmelo, only to sprawl to the ground again. Looking sheepishly at his shoes Smith whimpered, “Does anyone know how to untie a double knot?”

Unsurprisingly, Smith showed a lack of regret in post-game interviews. “Look, it’s a mistake that could happen to anybody,” Smith commented. “Some people miss wide open shots, others pass the ball out of bounds, I tied my shoelaces together. You miss 100 percent of the shoelaces you don’t tie.”

Smith detailed his plans for the shoelace tie to become an integral part of his evolving game. “With this latest effort I am now 1 for 3 on attempting to tie opponents shoelaces together. That’s 33 percent, a decent three-point shooting mark. Through dedicated practice and film sessions I intend to perfect this art and unleash it on opponents throughout the NBA.”

Commissioner David Stern released an official statement after the game, saying, “The NBA has decided that Smith’s punishment will be mandatory community service, since fines clearly have no effect on this individual.” Following this mandate, Smith has announced that he will open the JR Smith Center for Kids Who Can’t Tie Shoes Good, And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Derrick Rose Promises to Return with X-Ray Vision, Three Arms

         As the new year begins and reflections of 2013 wrap up, Chicago sports fans certainly hope that next year will be better. After yet another early exit from the playoffs for the Bulls, Aaron Rodgers crushing the hopes of Bears fans in the dying seconds of the regular season finale, and the comedic bottom-dwelling seasons of the White Sox and Cubs, Chicago fans didn’t have much to be thankful for this calendar year.

Sure, they attempted to feebly convince themselves, “At least we won the NHL Cup,” but deep down pondered the same question, does anyone really care about hockey? “I’m an avid Blackhawks fan,” defended one Chicago native, “but I do sometimes get confused as to why they stop hitting each other to chase after that tiny black thing on the ice and swat at it. I mean what’s the point?” 

But certainly the cherry on top of a crummy 2013 was the news that Derrick Rose, the supposed savior of Chicago sports, would once again watch the remainder of this season’s games in street clothes. Outcomes already look bleak, as the Rose-less and hopeless Bulls have dropped to an abysmal 12-18 record by New Year’s Eve.

The country waited in anticipation this preseason for the much-hyped return of Rose from his previous injury. He confidently assured the world that not only would he be back to full strength, he would be better than ever.

Rose bragged of a vertical improved by five inches, a physique other NBA players could only dream of, and a newfound desire and determination that would lead the Bulls back the the championship.

True to his word, Rose looked razor sharp in preseason. His jumper stayed true, crossover left defenders dazed, even Joakim Noah could be seen visibly salivating and slightly spasming every time Rose had the ball. 

A true legend confirmed Rose’s sparkling start, “In my prime I could defend pretty much any player in the NBA with ease,” recalled longtime great Brian Scalabrine, “But even I would have trouble matching pace with Rose on an end-to-end fast break.”

Tragically, the fairy tale hopes of Bulls fans ended all too soon. His fragile legs were unable to handle the weight of his big mouth as he collapsed to another season-ending injury. In other words, he could talk the talk, but quite literally could no longer walk the walk. 

While little hope is left for a playoffs run this year, Rose has already begun using his remaining intact talent to prepare for next season: making outlandish claims designed to hype up and ultimately destroy his Chicago fan base.

Rose assembled a recent press conference to share a closer look at his rehabilitation process. “This season I came back with a vertical that was five inches higher, but clearly that wasn’t enough,” said Rose. “So in preseason 2014, I’m coming back with X-ray vision, that thing in Space Jam where the tasmanian devil spins really fast and knocks people over, and a third arm.” He then proceeded to drop the microphone yelling “Boom goes the dynamite,” and limped off-screen.

In following interviews, Rose explained some of his controversial techniques for improving his abilities on the court. Filled with a resolve that only an MVP quality player in his prime could have, Rose is making every effort to once again return a better basketball player than before his injury. 

“Ask any opponent right now if they can handle me guarding them with two hands, probably won’t get many volunteers,” explained Rose. “Now, take those two hands and add one. That’s right, that’s three hands. I could be eating a hotdog in one hand, playing D with another, and maybe flipping off the haters with the third. Lebron may win MVP again, but MVPWTA, MVP With Three Arms, that’s all DRose.”

When prompted about the specifics of growing a third limb, Rose described it as a simple combination of proper weight training, meditation and pixie dust. “To put it simply, I’m too good a player to not grow a third arm. Plus I discussed this procedure with the two best doctors I know, Julius Irving and Doc Rivers.”

When asked for a comment, Coach Rivers burst into hysterics, laughing for several minutes before blurting out, “He fell for that shit?” and then walked away shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau has given his full support to Rose in his extraordinary rehab efforts. “I’ve watched Space Jam 37 times this past week examining the astounding footwork the Tasmanian Devil utilizes, in order to teach Rose the same techniques,” stated Thibodeau. “It beats re-watching one of our embarrassing losses again and pretending to learn something from it.

Finally, Rose promises that when he’s back to full health, he’s all in. “When Lebron moved to Miami, he talked about not one, not two, not three ... championships. Well I, Derek Rose, representative of the Chicago Bulls, am guaranteeing not one, not two, not three, okay maybe three, three or four games before I get injured next season. Another 11 month vacation, yeah bay-bayyy!”

In short, we can rest assured that Derrick Rose will continue to haunt Chicago Bulls fans with outlandish claims that will provide them a glimmer of hope, and sidesplitting entertainment for the rest of us.