In an unprecedented and
controversial move spurred from desperation, the Green Bay Packers have
officially announced the high-profile signing of God as a wide receiver.
Following the season-ending injury
to Aaron Rodgers’ favorite target, Jordy Nelson, the Packers feared their team
could quickly plummet from Super Bowl favorites to struggling to even make the
playoffs. Fortunately, after consulting with religious expert Glover Quin, a safety
for the Detroit Lions, the Packers were reassured their despair was
unwarranted.
“"God had meant for Jordy to
be hurt,” Glover Quin commented. “If he wouldn't have got hurt today, if he
wouldn't have played in that game, if he wouldn't have practiced anymore and
the next time he walked on the field would have been opening day, I feel like
he would have got hurt opening day.” http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/13509480/glover-quin-detroit-lions-defends-god-comment-jordy-nelson-injury
Known previously as a controversial
figure and mentor to several athletes, God had previously been content to
insure that players catch footballs for touchdowns, kick a ball between two
posts for field goals, and insure that teams were stupid enough to continue to
sign Tim Tebow to play quarterback.
In his first press conference sporting
his new Packers gear, God explained his thought process leading up this unusual
decision. “I mean I’m God, but Aaron Rodger is Aaron Rodgers!” God marveled. “I
simply couldn’t miss the opportunity to team up with him in his prime. If I had
to take out Jordy Nelson in the process so be it. It’s been said that I work in
mysterious ways.”
While
avid NFL fans are eager to see God at the line of scrimmage every Sunday
afternoon, others fear this could interrupt his primary duties as supreme ruler
of the entire world. Ha! I bet you couldn’t read that with a straight face
either. Everyone knows that God only cares about football.
Despite his new allegiance to the
Green Bay Packers, God assures the millions of Americans lounging on their
couches that God does sincerely care about your favorite team winning their
sports game, and requests that you please continue to pray to him. “No, don’t
get up. Don’t change the channel. Don’t go volunteer at your local charity. You
sit there, and you demand that God makes sure a 6’5, 300 pound man crosses a
white chalk line carrying an awkwardly shaped leather ball.”
http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/13369076/houston-texans-arian-foster-goes-public-not-believing-god
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