The Sports World is Shocked to Learn that Athletes Can Make Mistakes, Act Selfishly
Amid the outrage surrounding free
agency’s latest “controversy,” DeAndre Jordan’s decision to change his mind
(gasp!) and break his verbal agreement with the Dallas Mavericks and re-sign with
the Los Angeles Clippers, it has been reaffirmed that professional athletes are
actually just human beings.
“Despite their seemingly supernatural
athletic abilities when it comes to their sport, in all other areas of social,
emotional, and intellectual functioning, athletes are actually just the same as
the rest of us,” a respected coach commented, eliciting gasps from the audience.
This realization may have profound
implications for the future of athletics. Instead of considering LeBron James
to be the spawn of Satan or a larger-than-life pile of horse shit following his
decision to form a super-team with the Miami Heat, perhaps there are other
explanations. Maybe, just maybe, he enjoys success just like the rest of us,
and let this thrill momentarily cloud his judgement. Perhaps being the greatest
basketball player on the planet gives him just a bit of an ego. Meanwhile it’s
fine if you jump up and down hollering with pride because you just bested your
roommate in a game of checkers.
Remember that time you had the chance to
give that cute chick from Algebra class a ride home after seventh period, so
you told your friend there wasn’t room for him in your car today? Remember how
even though this happened no one sent you death threats. No one took a shirt
with your name on it and burned it, before putting the video on YouTube. No one
vowed to forever hate you and everything you stand for. Considering this
fascinating revelation, perhaps it’s time to consider that the things that no
one does to normal people should also be the things that no one does to
athletes. Or does that hurt your regular person brain to even think about?
Relax, knowing that Michael Jordan and Lionel Messi’s brains actually work
exactly the same way that yours does.
Earlier this month when England lost the
Women’s World Cup semifinal in heartbreaking fashion, as defender Laura Bassett
accidentally deflected the ball into her own net, this became a national news
story. Not because England lost, but because of the overwhelming support and
sympathy Bassett garnered. Previous popular opinion was that athletes respond
best to devastating mistakes when their once loyal fans bash them on Twitter
and demand the athlete be left to fend off polar bears on a deserted ice cap in
the Arctic. With new understanding into the inner workings of the athlete’s
brain, it just may be possible that showings of sympathy, like that received by
Laura Bassett should be the norm, not a crazy outlier that fans pat themselves
on the back for. Congrats you sports enthusiast, for showing the tiniest thread
of human decency and not making an athlete who already feels horrible for her
accidental mistake feel a million times worse. Do you want a gold star?
The secrets as to why fans consider it
acceptable to verbally abuse athletes, but more importantly fellow human
beings who happen to play sports for a career, have finally been uncovered.
Through groundbreaking advances in technology, scientists were able to uncover
that a growing population of sports enthusiasts suffer from a serious condition
called being a fucking asshole. Side effects include paying $200 to shout
creative insults at a third baseman for three hours, ranting on Facebook about
how missing a free throw should carry the same penalty as a third degree
assault charge, and realizing deep down that you’re just a jealous, insecure
jerk who got cut from the seventh grade B team because you couldn’t make a
left-handed layup.
For fans who claim, “But athletes get
paid millions of dollars a year and they’re supposed to be professionals. I
deserve to yell at them when they screw up!” Sure, athletes miss big shots,
they let emotions get the best of them, and yet someway, somehow, life goes on.
When that center midfielder “betrayed” your team by transferring to your rival,
did it really make your life any worse? Or did it actually enhance it by
providing you with an easy option to take your frustrations out on. Someone who
can’t defend themselves against thousands of vicious attackers, someone who is
trying to make the best for themselves, someone who struggles to make everyone
happy, someone who feels emotions, lives and breathes, just like you. (Only
they can make the left handed lay-up. Oh and a 360 between-the legs reverse
dunk, but that’s besides the point).
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