Despite the crumbling from within
as FIFA has experienced a massive overhaul amid allegations of corruption and
bribery, the 2015 Women’s World Cup will continue as planned beginning this
Saturday, June 6 in host country Canada.
At first, FIFA President Sepp
Blatter believed increasing the chances of horrifying injury by forcing games
to be played on turf instead of natural grass, and encouraging the players to
wear tighter shorts to “create a more female aesthetic” would be enough to
insure a successful competition. However, due to fears over FIFA’s declining
popularity, Blatter has implemented a few changes designed to increase the
appeal of this month’s highly regarded tournament.
First, for the opening 25 minutes
of each competition, the game will be played without a soccer ball on the
field. “Do you ever turn on the television to watch your favorite pretty
players run around, only to have that pesky ball get in the way?” Blatter
explained. “This improvement is designed to showcase the players’ natural physical
talent, without any unnecessary distractions.”
Additionally, in order to encourage
a more appropriate and ladylike competition, yellow and red cards will be
removed and players instead forced to offer a sincere, tearful apology for each
foul.
Finally, new, exciting incentives
will be offered to the World Cup’s winning team. This change developed in response
to complaints about sex differences in wages between men’s and women’s players.
For instance Cristiano Ronaldo earns a $19 million base salary, while Abby
Wambach, the all time highest goal scorer of any player, male or female, earns
$190,000. “We thought about simply increasing wages to women’s players,”
Blatter commented. “But hair products and kitchen supplies only cost so much,
what would they even do with more money? We decided instead that each person on
the winning team gets to keep their very own David Beckham bobble head!”
Despite these unorthodox changes,
FIFA has assured the public that all of these improvements are in the best
interests of women’s players. “If we’ve learned anything from American
politics, it’s that the people most qualified to make decisions about important
women’s issues are men,” Blatter stated. “We pride ourselves in housing a 27
member FIFA executive committee that includes only 3 women in insignificant
roles.”
Shortly following the announcement
of these changes, several top women’s players threatened a lawsuit or even a
boycott of the World Cup due to sexist and discriminatory practices. Blatter
appeared unconcerned about this potential controversy however, claiming, “It’s
probably just that time of the month for all of them.”
Breaking News: Following the
announcement of his forced resignation, Blatter was attempting his descendance
straight back down to Hell when a well-placed Megan Rapinoe curling free
kicking knocked him into the middle of a U6 girls game who all proceeded to
kick his ass.
To actually learn something non-satirical about this issue: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/03/sepp-blatter-leaving-fifa-sexist-policies
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