As the new year begins and reflections of 2013 wrap up, Chicago sports fans certainly hope that next year will be better. After yet another early exit from the playoffs for the Bulls, Aaron Rodgers crushing the hopes of Bears fans in the dying seconds of the regular season finale, and the comedic bottom-dwelling seasons of the White Sox and Cubs, Chicago fans didn’t have much to be thankful for this calendar year.
Sure, they attempted to feebly convince themselves, “At least we won the NHL Cup,” but deep down pondered the same question, does anyone really care about hockey? “I’m an avid Blackhawks fan,” defended one Chicago native, “but I do sometimes get confused as to why they stop hitting each other to chase after that tiny black thing on the ice and swat at it. I mean what’s the point?”
But certainly the cherry on top of a crummy 2013 was the news that Derrick Rose, the supposed savior of Chicago sports, would once again watch the remainder of this season’s games in street clothes. Outcomes already look bleak, as the Rose-less and hopeless Bulls have dropped to an abysmal 12-18 record by New Year’s Eve.
The country waited in anticipation this preseason for the much-hyped return of Rose from his previous injury. He confidently assured the world that not only would he be back to full strength, he would be better than ever.
Rose bragged of a vertical improved by five inches, a physique other NBA players could only dream of, and a newfound desire and determination that would lead the Bulls back the the championship.
True to his word, Rose looked razor sharp in preseason. His jumper stayed true, crossover left defenders dazed, even Joakim Noah could be seen visibly salivating and slightly spasming every time Rose had the ball.
A true legend confirmed Rose’s sparkling start, “In my prime I could defend pretty much any player in the NBA with ease,” recalled longtime great Brian Scalabrine, “But even I would have trouble matching pace with Rose on an end-to-end fast break.”
Tragically, the fairy tale hopes of Bulls fans ended all too soon. His fragile legs were unable to handle the weight of his big mouth as he collapsed to another season-ending injury. In other words, he could talk the talk, but quite literally could no longer walk the walk.
While little hope is left for a playoffs run this year, Rose has already begun using his remaining intact talent to prepare for next season: making outlandish claims designed to hype up and ultimately destroy his Chicago fan base.
Rose assembled a recent press conference to share a closer look at his rehabilitation process. “This season I came back with a vertical that was five inches higher, but clearly that wasn’t enough,” said Rose. “So in preseason 2014, I’m coming back with X-ray vision, that thing in Space Jam where the tasmanian devil spins really fast and knocks people over, and a third arm.” He then proceeded to drop the microphone yelling “Boom goes the dynamite,” and limped off-screen.
In following interviews, Rose explained some of his controversial techniques for improving his abilities on the court. Filled with a resolve that only an MVP quality player in his prime could have, Rose is making every effort to once again return a better basketball player than before his injury.
“Ask any opponent right now if they can handle me guarding them with two hands, probably won’t get many volunteers,” explained Rose. “Now, take those two hands and add one. That’s right, that’s three hands. I could be eating a hotdog in one hand, playing D with another, and maybe flipping off the haters with the third. Lebron may win MVP again, but MVPWTA, MVP With Three Arms, that’s all DRose.”
When prompted about the specifics of growing a third limb, Rose described it as a simple combination of proper weight training, meditation and pixie dust. “To put it simply, I’m too good a player to not grow a third arm. Plus I discussed this procedure with the two best doctors I know, Julius Irving and Doc Rivers.”
When asked for a comment, Coach Rivers burst into hysterics, laughing for several minutes before blurting out, “He fell for that shit?” and then walked away shaking his head.
Meanwhile, Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau has given his full support to Rose in his extraordinary rehab efforts. “I’ve watched Space Jam 37 times this past week examining the astounding footwork the Tasmanian Devil utilizes, in order to teach Rose the same techniques,” stated Thibodeau. “It beats re-watching one of our embarrassing losses again and pretending to learn something from it.
Finally, Rose promises that when he’s back to full health, he’s all in. “When Lebron moved to Miami, he talked about not one, not two, not three ... championships. Well I, Derek Rose, representative of the Chicago Bulls, am guaranteeing not one, not two, not three, okay maybe three, three or four games before I get injured next season. Another 11 month vacation, yeah bay-bayyy!”
In short, we can rest assured that Derrick Rose will continue to haunt Chicago Bulls fans with outlandish claims that will provide them a glimmer of hope, and sidesplitting entertainment for the rest of us.
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