American Arsenal Supporters: Please Continue to be the Most Annoying Fans of any Team Ever, Because You Deserve It

The dedication, the sacrifice, the unwavering commitment. These attributes fully describe the lifelong bond between an American Arsenal fan, and their team. 

We get it, you were always an Arsenal fan from birth, there was no other option. It’s not like you thought to yourself, sitting in Ann Arbor, Michigan, or Silver Spring, Maryland, “Hmmm I really like a couple of Arsenal’s players, plus they are always pretty good and have one of the best managers of all time, it’s a fairly safe bet to be a fan of them.” No, your fan-ship goes way beyond that superficial stuff.

You scoff at Manchester United and Barcelona fans. Fair weather fans you call them, only like them because they’re famous and have great players and win. Nothing like our beloved underdogs Arsenal, only coming in second or third, maybe even fourth year after year. Talk about a lovable cinderella. 

You laugh when your non-soccer friend tells you, “I really love Wayne Rooney so I’m a fan of Manchester United.” That’s nothing like you at all, your love of your team goes way deeper, it’s a connection that only you can have, based on your love of everything Arsenal. I mean it’s not like Arsenal has had the fortune of world-famous players as well, Thierry who?

And now you are Arsenal to the bone. Watching the London derby from your couch in the Woodlands, Texas, you totally get the historic London rivalry that happens thousands of miles away from you. You hate Tottenham with a burning passion. When Theo Walcott held up that 2-0 sign during the latest Arsenal derby victory you could almost hear him saying, “This is for you American supporters, you make us the team we are. You get us.”

You know all the chants, even if you’ve never needed to sing them yourself. You think the Emirates is the most beautiful stadium in the world, never mind that you’ve  been only an ocean away. You wish Robin Van Persie would die a fiery death because he betrayed YOU. After all those joys and triumphs you shared together, he left you for another team. That’s like you just choosing to be a fan of another team besides Arsenal, which could never happen because you are a Gunner for life, it was never a just a convenient and obvious choice for your favorite English soccer team. No, your decision was bold and original, that’s why on your college soccer team you’re the only Arsenal supporter, it’s not like there are five or six of you.

So please, continue to take pride in being the most annoying soccer fans in the country. Rub it in the face of all your friends when Arsenal squeaks out a commanding 1-0 victory over an inferior opponent. Update your Facebook status to a video of Van Persie getting injured and tag your Manchester United friends in it. Gloat to everyone who will listen when Arsenal hangs onto it’s first place lead, then bring out every excuse in the book when they eventually fall to third or fourth.

You know that your team is better than everyone else’s team. Your critical insight as an Arsenal fan allows you to know your friends better than they know themselves. They might say “I really couldn’t care less”, when you describe in excruciating detail how Arsenal won a group stage Champions League game. But you know deep down that they really do want to hear about it, which is why you keep talking. Never mind that Arsenal hasn’t won a major trophy in recent memory. You are the team to beat, the English Premier League and even the soccer world revolves around you, and anyone who says otherwise is just jealous of your success.

You deserve it. Arsenal is your team. They are the lovable bunch of low-profile misfits that play soccer the way it’s meant to be played. They are the only team worth watching, Barcelona’s Tiki-taka? That's a joke compared to the beauty of an Aaron Ramsey through ball. So stand up and say loudly, I am an American Arsenal fan, I am entitled to act like a know-it-all jackass, because this is my sport, football (though I call it soccer), my nation, England (though I live in the United States), and my team Arsenal (because I happened to conveniently choose it). Long live the Gunners. 

JR Smith Blows Game After Accidentally Tying Own Shoes Together

New York Knicks guard JR Smith is at it again. The talented but troubled playmaker was fined $50,000 by the NBA last week after a childish prank of untying the shoelace of Dallas Maverick Shawn Marion during a free throw.

A strong reprimand from both commissioner David Stern and the Knicks coaching staff went astonishingly unnoticed as Smith attempted to repeat the feat, this time unsuccessfully, in competition against the Detroit Pistons.

In an unending quest to be the laughing stock of the league, the Knicks reinstated Smith the following game to disastrous consequences. In a tightly contested battle the Knicks led the New Orleans Pelicans by two points when Smith fouled forward Anthony Davis. 

Eager to make amends, Smith took matters into his own hands and attempted his tried and true method. He reached for the closest pair of shoes he could find, unfortunately Smith failed to realize they were his own. Snickering heavily, Smith quickly grabbed the laces of both shoes. 

Mouthing out “loop, swoop, and pull,” he firmly tied both shoelaces together, winking at Coach Woodson, who stared at him in disbelief. Davis nailed the first free-throw, bringing the Pelicans within a point. The second shot clanked off the rim, rebounding to Smith who corralled the ball, a victory all but assured.

Smith strode forward, his shoes helplessly strung together, as his body crashed to the floor. Screaming wildly for a foul call, Smith released the ball into the arms of Davis. Shaking with laughter, Davis managed to put up a wide-open layup as the buzzer sounded, cementing the loss for the Knicks.

Smith stared at his betraying own feet, a perplexed look on his face. Knicks star, Carmelo Anthony offered a hand to the fallen Smith, then after helping him up proceeded to slap him in the face. Eager to retaliate, Smith advanced on Carmelo, only to sprawl to the ground again. Looking sheepishly at his shoes Smith whimpered, “Does anyone know how to untie a double knot?”

Unsurprisingly, Smith showed a lack of regret in post-game interviews. “Look, it’s a mistake that could happen to anybody,” Smith commented. “Some people miss wide open shots, others pass the ball out of bounds, I tied my shoelaces together. You miss 100 percent of the shoelaces you don’t tie.”

Smith detailed his plans for the shoelace tie to become an integral part of his evolving game. “With this latest effort I am now 1 for 3 on attempting to tie opponents shoelaces together. That’s 33 percent, a decent three-point shooting mark. Through dedicated practice and film sessions I intend to perfect this art and unleash it on opponents throughout the NBA.”

Commissioner David Stern released an official statement after the game, saying, “The NBA has decided that Smith’s punishment will be mandatory community service, since fines clearly have no effect on this individual.” Following this mandate, Smith has announced that he will open the JR Smith Center for Kids Who Can’t Tie Shoes Good, And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Derrick Rose Promises to Return with X-Ray Vision, Three Arms

         As the new year begins and reflections of 2013 wrap up, Chicago sports fans certainly hope that next year will be better. After yet another early exit from the playoffs for the Bulls, Aaron Rodgers crushing the hopes of Bears fans in the dying seconds of the regular season finale, and the comedic bottom-dwelling seasons of the White Sox and Cubs, Chicago fans didn’t have much to be thankful for this calendar year.

Sure, they attempted to feebly convince themselves, “At least we won the NHL Cup,” but deep down pondered the same question, does anyone really care about hockey? “I’m an avid Blackhawks fan,” defended one Chicago native, “but I do sometimes get confused as to why they stop hitting each other to chase after that tiny black thing on the ice and swat at it. I mean what’s the point?” 

But certainly the cherry on top of a crummy 2013 was the news that Derrick Rose, the supposed savior of Chicago sports, would once again watch the remainder of this season’s games in street clothes. Outcomes already look bleak, as the Rose-less and hopeless Bulls have dropped to an abysmal 12-18 record by New Year’s Eve.

The country waited in anticipation this preseason for the much-hyped return of Rose from his previous injury. He confidently assured the world that not only would he be back to full strength, he would be better than ever.

Rose bragged of a vertical improved by five inches, a physique other NBA players could only dream of, and a newfound desire and determination that would lead the Bulls back the the championship.

True to his word, Rose looked razor sharp in preseason. His jumper stayed true, crossover left defenders dazed, even Joakim Noah could be seen visibly salivating and slightly spasming every time Rose had the ball. 

A true legend confirmed Rose’s sparkling start, “In my prime I could defend pretty much any player in the NBA with ease,” recalled longtime great Brian Scalabrine, “But even I would have trouble matching pace with Rose on an end-to-end fast break.”

Tragically, the fairy tale hopes of Bulls fans ended all too soon. His fragile legs were unable to handle the weight of his big mouth as he collapsed to another season-ending injury. In other words, he could talk the talk, but quite literally could no longer walk the walk. 

While little hope is left for a playoffs run this year, Rose has already begun using his remaining intact talent to prepare for next season: making outlandish claims designed to hype up and ultimately destroy his Chicago fan base.

Rose assembled a recent press conference to share a closer look at his rehabilitation process. “This season I came back with a vertical that was five inches higher, but clearly that wasn’t enough,” said Rose. “So in preseason 2014, I’m coming back with X-ray vision, that thing in Space Jam where the tasmanian devil spins really fast and knocks people over, and a third arm.” He then proceeded to drop the microphone yelling “Boom goes the dynamite,” and limped off-screen.

In following interviews, Rose explained some of his controversial techniques for improving his abilities on the court. Filled with a resolve that only an MVP quality player in his prime could have, Rose is making every effort to once again return a better basketball player than before his injury. 

“Ask any opponent right now if they can handle me guarding them with two hands, probably won’t get many volunteers,” explained Rose. “Now, take those two hands and add one. That’s right, that’s three hands. I could be eating a hotdog in one hand, playing D with another, and maybe flipping off the haters with the third. Lebron may win MVP again, but MVPWTA, MVP With Three Arms, that’s all DRose.”

When prompted about the specifics of growing a third limb, Rose described it as a simple combination of proper weight training, meditation and pixie dust. “To put it simply, I’m too good a player to not grow a third arm. Plus I discussed this procedure with the two best doctors I know, Julius Irving and Doc Rivers.”

When asked for a comment, Coach Rivers burst into hysterics, laughing for several minutes before blurting out, “He fell for that shit?” and then walked away shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau has given his full support to Rose in his extraordinary rehab efforts. “I’ve watched Space Jam 37 times this past week examining the astounding footwork the Tasmanian Devil utilizes, in order to teach Rose the same techniques,” stated Thibodeau. “It beats re-watching one of our embarrassing losses again and pretending to learn something from it.

Finally, Rose promises that when he’s back to full health, he’s all in. “When Lebron moved to Miami, he talked about not one, not two, not three ... championships. Well I, Derek Rose, representative of the Chicago Bulls, am guaranteeing not one, not two, not three, okay maybe three, three or four games before I get injured next season. Another 11 month vacation, yeah bay-bayyy!”

In short, we can rest assured that Derrick Rose will continue to haunt Chicago Bulls fans with outlandish claims that will provide them a glimmer of hope, and sidesplitting entertainment for the rest of us. 

Cristiano Ronaldo Finally Comes Out

In today’s progressive society, massive steps have been taken towards creating an environment of equality for all. The sports world is no exception, with athletes receiving increasing acceptance and embracement from their teammates for openly coming out. Propelling this trend of acceptance to an unprecedented level, Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo has shocked the sports scene by recently admitting that he is, in fact, a little bitch.
In an impromptu press conference called late last night, Ronaldo explained that he had been struggling with the decision for several months before bravely revealing that he is a huge asshole. “I understand the stigmatizations and consequences that come with this announcement, but I need to be true to myself,” Ronaldo stated. “I can only hope this encourages assholes like me everywhere to resist the urge to shy away from who they are.”
Ronaldo has previously been accused of being a little bitch several times in the past, but firmly denied this, claiming he was just as much a decent person as anyone else. “I had my doubts every time I’d win a header over him and he’d fall to the ground whimpering like a schoolgirl and making pouty faces at the ref,” Barcelona defender Carles Puyol commented.
Ronaldo hopes that awareness will spread of this little known identity. “The most important thing I want people to take away is that being this much of a douche is not a choice,” Ronaldo stated. “I am an asshole now, and I will be an asshole forever.”
Ronaldo now plans to proudly display his true self as a model to awful people everywhere. Just this morning he purchased 6 pairs of $1000 leather skinny jeans, stitched using unpaid child laborers.  “I’m not afraid anymore,” he proclaimed. “In a few minutes I’ll probably send Messi a text saying I hate his guts and I slept with his mom.”
How this will affect the Real Madrid locker room remains to be seen. Fellow Portugal and Real Madrid teammate Pepe enthusiastically approved of Ronaldo’s decision to come out, and plans to support and mentor Ronaldo in being the player every opponent wants to see carried off the field in a stretcher.
However, complete acceptance around the league faces challenging obstacles. While alleged assholes have thrived in sports for years, from Metta World Peace to Chad Ochocinco, Ronaldo remains the first and only athlete to publicly reveal his orientation.
“Other assholes have tried to hide their true awful selves, through charity work, changing to ridiculous names and pretending to be good teammates,” Ronaldo explained. “No more. To be honest when I get the ball my teammates should probably bring a good book to read or something, because there is no way in hell that I’m passing to any of them.”
Ronaldo asks for support from his fans, and pledges to continue resisting pressure from positive sources to become a better person. “I am the absolute worst, and I will forever fight for my right to act like the perfect blend of a prepubescent girl, spoiled man-child, and real-life Barney Stinson.”

Beyonce to Open for Benjamin Charney in Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show

Super Bowl officials announced yesterday that singing sensation Benjamin Charney will serve as the feature performer during the 2013 Super Bowl halftime show. Charney, singer of “The Perfect Song”, nominated for Best Youtube Hit in this year’s Grammys, headlines what is sure to be the most memorable performance in years.

Already known as quite the ladies man, Charney, with his size 20 clown shoes and body sculpted with Oreos and Nutella, says there’s more to him than his good looks. Brimming with undeniable talent, he is eager to prove himself as the nation’s biggest new star.

Several promotional campaigns have already been started to raise excitement for the event. The most anticipated of these is the Charney Kidney Stone Raffle. Five lucky fans will have the honor of leaving the stadium possessing one of Charney’s personal kidney stones. Tickets cost $25 and all proceeds will go to the Why Do the Trees Look So Sad Today Foundation.

The halftime performance itself features an electrifying cast. The show will contain two live gingers, Michael Hurley and Eric Christiansen, for the audience’s amusement. They have been fully trained by ginger expert Lars Olsen, who will be standing by with his Katana in case any mishaps occur. Super Bowl officials warn that viewer discretion is advised, and they are not responsible for any emotional damage to audience members that may result from exposure.

Accompanying Charney as background dancers are interpretive dance experts Elliot Meyer and Joey Brown. Along with performing, Meyer will simultaneously live tweet, blog, and facebook anything he thinks of during the show. Brown has pledged to be there, but as everyone knows he will probably flake. Luckily his understudy, Ezra “Bambi” Edgerton, has been wearing a tutu for the past month in case his gentle, graceful presence is needed at the last minute.

Additionally, fans will have the chance to take a photo with the one and only Jerry Brown, who will be wearing nothing but a speedo and covered in body oil. Several fans will also have the opportunity to not take the same photo with Alex Marker, if they pay an additional fee.

Charney has been extensively preparing for the show, however a relatively new and unknown artist he understands he may receive his fair share of criticism during the show. His manager Pun Winichakul has strived to address this problem by insulting Charney as often and with as much ferocity as possible. He explains this unique strategy by saying, “My hope is that by the time I’m through tearing him apart he’ll be so dead inside emotionally that nothing anyone can say during the show will hurt him anymore.” 

The dedicated manager has even hired two professional tools, Lukas Eng and Isaiah Tyree, to live with Charney full-time and belittle, physically abuse, and essentially make Charney’s life a living hell. Eng specializes in a direct approach, with a constant barrage of insults about Charney’s physique and his love for Sara Charney. Alternatively, Tyree’s route includes serenading Charney with his guitar and feeding off of Charney’s low self-esteem to boost his own ego. 

Security for the Super Bowl this year is expected to be at an all-time high. Chief Guard Jay Dreier has personally pledged to perform an extensive and invasive full-body strip search of all persons entering the stadium. Once inside, guard Reed Caron will stand against a wall in the corner, diligently pretending to do something while nodding at fans as they walk past.

A big disappointment announced for the halftime show is that “The Analyzer” Chris Graves will not be able to perform his world-renowned act. He recently signed a contract with the Baltimore Ravens to play quarterback and wide receiver, while coaching himself. When asked if he could handle playing multiple positions, Graves responded, “There are very few things I can’t do.”

Sanitation has been a big problem in past Super Bowls, with drunken enraged fans making it their duty to trash the entire stadium until the floor is no longer visible. However an experience garbage cleanup team, the FRESHmen, has volunteered to help out after the conclusion of Sunday’s festivities, leaving the stadium spotless. A talented squad of Victor “VAG” Ghazal, Ambar “Dibs” Kakkar, Zach “I Mean” Liebman, and David “Crazy Motherf#$%er” Leitson, among others, have agreed to help on the condition that someone else will get it next time, preferably Leo Rojas.

This reporter is saddened to announce that during the process of writing this article, Benjamin Charney has died at the age of 83. He suffered from a sudden simultaneous infliction of Polio, getting his ass kicked by an 8 year old girl, and Bieber Fever. Super Bowl officials have been working feverishly to find Charney’s replacement during the halftime show. Rumor has it that a Warner Sighting may be a possible alternative. Ben Warner could not be reached for comment.

Trouble Brews for T’Wolves as Linguistic Struggles Continue on the Court

The Minnesota Timberwolves held high hopes for the 2012-13 season as an opportunity to right the ship and finally contest in the playoffs. While flashes of brilliance have been shown throughout the early portions of the season, the Wolves have struggled to find their groove as a team. Three-point shooting has been an issue and injuries certainly played a factor, but Coach Rick Adelman blames their recent failures on one troubling concern that few teams have faced, English. 

In a recent press conference following a disheartening home loss to the Houston Rockets, a clearly heated Coach Adelman stormed to the podium growling, “How can I coach a basketball team when nobody speaks the same goddamn language!” 

Minnesota was criticized earlier this year for a lack of diversity, mainly resulting from having only three African-American players on their roster. While traditionally African-Americans have dominated the sport, there is another reason they tend to perform so well in the NBA, they normally speak English.

The Timberwolves roster, bulging with foreign players, has been revealed that less than half the players speak or understand any English at all. While talented players like Russian Andrei Kirilenko and Spanish sensation Ricky Rubio have been at times filling up the stat sheets, simple words from teammates like “I’m open”, or “screen” have left these players spinning around bewildered, at times freezing during play and asking their translator on the bench what just happened. 

Recent locker room incidents have contributed to the lack of cohesion among the team. During halftime against the Thunder, while Rubio and countryman Jose Juan Barea were sharing a joke in Spanish, center Nikola Pekovic lunged at the pair, swinging his monstrous arms like clubs. While being restrained by teammates he bellowed, “What is this word you say? In my country you say this word and your toes fed to goat!”

Coach Adelman has been frustrated by his team’s lack of verbal progress this season, taking extreme measures. Following a midmorning practice in which rookie Alexey Shved dropped to the court and covered his head as a result of a teammate yelling “shoot”, Adelman cancelled the practice and spent the rest of the day having his players copy down letters of the alphabet. 

Management has attempted to acquire additional English speaking players through trades, unsuccessfully to this point. While a promising deal was reached with the Indiana Pacers, the terms fell through when trading block Lou Amundson failed to pass the contract requirements, scoring just below 12 percent on a second-grade level vocabulary exam.

The team is hopeful help will arrive shortly in the form of injured Timberwolves Brandon Roy and Chase Budinger. Both are expected to be a key asset on the court as they possess at least a rudimentary grasp of the English language. The injury-prone Roy has been careful not to push his delicate vocal cords too far in rehab though and may not return for months. He declined to comment on the issue for fear of a further verbal setback.

The team is also in the process of renegotiating the contract of emerging center Nikola Pekovic. His agent has requested a deal in which Pekovic will learn English over a three-year contract, provided he is given an unlimited supply of bratwursts from concessions after each home game, and is allowed to kill one man a year with his bare hands. The sides appear close to an agreement.

For now however the future of this team remains in doubt. A promising and exciting group, the Timberwolves most daunting opponent has been themselves and the linguistic boundaries that have haunted their young season. Superstar Kevin Love has perhaps been the most affected by this struggle, with some questioning whether he has mentally checked out of the game. As the buzzer sounded in last week’s defeat he was heard ranting, “Ha ha okay good one guys, joke’s over. I know you can speak English. Ricky? Nikola? You can understand me right? Guys? Ha ha ha. What the hell! This is America, people!” He rambled for several minutes before being dragged off the court by assistant coaches, still shouting and jumping up and down trying to snag an imaginary rebound.

Roberto Mancini Signs Women’s Superstar Alex Morgan for Manchester City

Manchester City, last year’s Premier League champions, have struggled by their standards this season. They sit at a distant second behind rival Manchester United, with fans worrying the title may be slipping out of reach.

With many big name signings swapping teams this season, Coach Roberto Mancini has topped them all by reaching out to US women’s player Alex Morgan, bringing on the forward to rejuvenate the slumping team. “Alex just has a certain quality about her,” Mancini said. “She has blazing speed, a great poacher’s instinct, and most importantly she’s ridiculously hot.”

Lately Manchester City and its fans have noticed a critical weakness that has been haunting its team, an overall hideousness of its players. There has been a noted lack of motivation this season, with several teammates complaining about the pressures of having to look at sights like Carlos Tevez’s disgusting face day after day.

“Vincent Kompany is a great captain and a fantastic player,” midfielder David Silva commented. “But how am I supposed to listen to a single goddamn word he says if I’m staring at that huge, alien-shaped head?”

The team hopes bringing on Morgan will help the players talk less about how they want to gouge their eyes out with their cleats, and more about actually winning soccer games. 

Morgan understands her specific role on the team. In recent practices she has worked hard practicing technique on her seductive looks and flirtatious smiles. FIFA has implemented Manchester City’s request that referees are required to show Morgan a yellow card if she does not take her shirt off after scoring a goal.

The signing appears to be slowly paying off, but does have its weaknesses. There has been a noticeable deterioration in the play of flashy striker Mario Balotelli. Since the new arrival, Balotelli no longer shows the slightest interest in playing soccer, repeatedly choosing instead to freeze in a masculine pose for the entire time he remains on the pitch, staring stone-faced at Morgan.

There was one ugly incident in a scrimmage, when an all-out brawl erupted following an argument over who got to mark Morgan on a corner kick, after James Milner screamed at Jolean Lescott, “You don’t deserve to be near her, you disgusting, balding freak!”

Morale has indeed improved for a majority of the players. Recently the entire team has been arriving in the locker room hours early to each practice, claiming they don’t want to miss any opportunity to bond with their new teammate in an intimate setting. 

The controversial move has been paying off on game-day as well. The team recently throttled third place Arsenal 8-0, with Morgan recording a hat-trick, showing signs of an impressive partnership with Tevez. Arsenal defender Bacary Sagna complained in the post-game interview, “Looking from Alex to Carlos to Alex to Carlos, it’s unbearable. It’s the two most extreme sights these eyes have ever seen. I ended the game horny, horrified, and I’m pretty sure permanently emotionally damaged.”

Coach Mancini has yet to see whether his untested method will pay off in the long run. But fail or succeed, he’s now happy to simply sit back and watch Alex Morgan.