Manchester City, last year’s Premier League champions, have struggled by their standards this season. They sit at a distant second behind rival Manchester United, with fans worrying the title may be slipping out of reach.
With many big name signings swapping teams this season, Coach Roberto Mancini has topped them all by reaching out to US women’s player Alex Morgan, bringing on the forward to rejuvenate the slumping team. “Alex just has a certain quality about her,” Mancini said. “She has blazing speed, a great poacher’s instinct, and most importantly she’s ridiculously hot.”
Lately Manchester City and its fans have noticed a critical weakness that has been haunting its team, an overall hideousness of its players. There has been a noted lack of motivation this season, with several teammates complaining about the pressures of having to look at sights like Carlos Tevez’s disgusting face day after day.
“Vincent Kompany is a great captain and a fantastic player,” midfielder David Silva commented. “But how am I supposed to listen to a single goddamn word he says if I’m staring at that huge, alien-shaped head?”
The team hopes bringing on Morgan will help the players talk less about how they want to gouge their eyes out with their cleats, and more about actually winning soccer games.
Morgan understands her specific role on the team. In recent practices she has worked hard practicing technique on her seductive looks and flirtatious smiles. FIFA has implemented Manchester City’s request that referees are required to show Morgan a yellow card if she does not take her shirt off after scoring a goal.
The signing appears to be slowly paying off, but does have its weaknesses. There has been a noticeable deterioration in the play of flashy striker Mario Balotelli. Since the new arrival, Balotelli no longer shows the slightest interest in playing soccer, repeatedly choosing instead to freeze in a masculine pose for the entire time he remains on the pitch, staring stone-faced at Morgan.
There was one ugly incident in a scrimmage, when an all-out brawl erupted following an argument over who got to mark Morgan on a corner kick, after James Milner screamed at Jolean Lescott, “You don’t deserve to be near her, you disgusting, balding freak!”
Morale has indeed improved for a majority of the players. Recently the entire team has been arriving in the locker room hours early to each practice, claiming they don’t want to miss any opportunity to bond with their new teammate in an intimate setting.
The controversial move has been paying off on game-day as well. The team recently throttled third place Arsenal 8-0, with Morgan recording a hat-trick, showing signs of an impressive partnership with Tevez. Arsenal defender Bacary Sagna complained in the post-game interview, “Looking from Alex to Carlos to Alex to Carlos, it’s unbearable. It’s the two most extreme sights these eyes have ever seen. I ended the game horny, horrified, and I’m pretty sure permanently emotionally damaged.”
Coach Mancini has yet to see whether his untested method will pay off in the long run. But fail or succeed, he’s now happy to simply sit back and watch Alex Morgan.
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