Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Trouble Brews for T’Wolves as Linguistic Struggles Continue on the Court


The Minnesota Timberwolves held high hopes for the 2012-13 season as an opportunity to right the ship and finally contest in the playoffs. While flashes of brilliance have been shown throughout the early portions of the season, the Wolves have struggled to find their groove as a team. Three-point shooting has been an issue and injuries certainly played a factor, but Coach Rick Adelman blames their recent failures on one troubling concern that few teams have faced, English. 
In a recent press conference following a disheartening home loss to the Houston Rockets, a clearly heated Coach Adelman stormed to the podium growling, “How can I coach a basketball team when nobody speaks the same goddamn language!” 
Minnesota was criticized earlier this year for a lack of diversity, mainly resulting from having only three African-American players on their roster. While traditionally African-Americans have dominated the sport, there is another reason they tend to perform so well in the NBA, they normally speak English.
The Timberwolves roster, bulging with foreign players, has been revealed that less than half the players speak or understand any English at all. While talented players like Russian Andrei Kirilenko and Spanish sensation Ricky Rubio have been at times filling up the stat sheets, simple words from teammates like “I’m open”, or “screen” have left these players spinning around bewildered, at times freezing during play and asking their translator on the bench what just happened. 
Recent locker room incidents have contributed to the lack of cohesion among the team. During halftime against the Thunder, while Rubio and countryman Jose Juan Barea were sharing a joke in Spanish, center Nikola Pekovic lunged at the pair, swinging his monstrous arms like clubs. While being restrained by teammates he bellowed, “What is this word you say? In my country you say this word and your toes fed to goat!”
Coach Adelman has been frustrated by his team’s lack of verbal progress this season, taking extreme measures. Following a midmorning practice in which rookie Alexey Shved dropped to the court and covered his head as a result of a teammate yelling “shoot”, Adelman cancelled the practice and spent the rest of the day having his players copy down letters of the alphabet. 
Management has attempted to acquire additional English speaking players through trades, unsuccessfully to this point. While a promising deal was reached with the Indiana Pacers, the terms fell through when trading block Lou Amundson failed to pass the contract requirements, scoring just below 12 percent on a second-grade level vocabulary exam.
The team is hopeful help will arrive shortly in the form of injured Timberwolves Brandon Roy and Chase Budinger. Both are expected to be a key asset on the court as they possess at least a rudimentary grasp of the English language. The injury-prone Roy has been careful not to push his delicate vocal cords too far in rehab though and may not return for months. He declined to comment on the issue for fear of a further verbal setback.
The team is also in the process of renegotiating the contract of emerging center Nikola Pekovic. His agent has requested a deal in which Pekovic will learn English over a three-year contract, provided he is given an unlimited supply of bratwursts from concessions after each home game, and is allowed to kill one man a year with his bare hands. The sides appear close to an agreement.
For now however the future of this team remains in doubt. A promising and exciting group, the Timberwolves most daunting opponent has been themselves and the linguistic boundaries that have haunted their young season. Superstar Kevin Love has perhaps been the most affected by this struggle, with some questioning whether he has mentally checked out of the game. As the buzzer sounded in last week’s defeat he was heard ranting, “Ha ha okay good one guys, joke’s over. I know you can speak English. Ricky? Nikola? You can understand me right? Guys? Ha ha ha. What the hell! This is America, people!” He rambled for several minutes before being dragged off the court by assistant coaches, still shouting and jumping up and down trying to snag an imaginary rebound.

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