2020 U.S. Sports Champions to be Extended Invitation to Megan Rapinoe’s House

Continuing a tradition dating back decades, sports teams in 2020 will be offered an invitation to the house of the most powerful individual in the United States, Megan Rapinoe.

A celebration at Megan Rapinoe’s house will replace the previously glorified but forever tarnished trip to the White House, now useful only for distinguishing which teammates on each championship team are still unapologetically racist (Link). 

A string of high-profile teams over the last two and a half years have either refused to attend (Prompting the greatest tweet in sports history) or have not been invited because they have pussies that they refuse to let a withering Cheeto grab (Link).

Instead, her holiness Rapinoe will host what is sure to be the most coveted invitation short of a 2015 Hamilton ticket. The gold-footed Rapinoe has cemented her status among political legends such as Washington and Lincoln through accomplishments such as: foreign policy- Megan and her teammates conquering the globe in arguably the only thing America is still number one at in 2019, LGBTQ+ advocacy- being one half of the bad-ass-est power couple and an inspiration to millions, women’s rights- leading a gender discrimination lawsuit to prove that Gyasi Zardes earning more money than Alex Morgan is an affront to anyone who likes soccer and has working eyeballs, and racial issues- being the first white and female athlete to kneel with Colin Kaepernick (no joke here, just admiration).

While for years players have jubilantly exclaimed “I’m going to Disney World” after winning championships, this is sure to be replaced by an even more exuberant “I’m not going to the fucking White House… I’m going to Megan Rapinoe’s house!!!”

NFL Reverses Course: Kneeling Required Not Just During Anthem but Also During Game

Amid growing concerns over the NFL’s rapid decline in popularity, football is implementing a bold new strategy designed to renew the love of the game for fans and players alike. Players will be required to play on their hands and knees for all games and football-related activities.

The decision comes following a unanimous vote that Donald Trump can fuck off. The previous policy created by primarily white “owners” forced the NFL’s primarily black athletes to stand during the national anthem as a blatant reminder that white supremacy is still alive and well in our country.  As a measure to counteract this absurdity, the latest revision instead demands that players kneel both during and after the anthem.

The apparent benefits of this new decisions are being endorsed across the country as an inspired move destined to rejuvenate football to its former greatness. “This really allows us to return to the fundamentals of football,” Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers commented. “Pass, catch, tackle, waddle.” Fans can now look forward to explosive talents like Le’Veon Bell inching through a gap at speeds so slow that instant replay will become an unnecessary relic of the past.

Teams are now scrambling to hire the top new-born baby coaching talent to guide their team to victory. 8-month-old Jeffrey Hatchett, hands and knees crawling expert, was recently scooped up as head coach of the Seattle Seahawks for a two-year, $18 million deal. 

The rule change is also designed to implement badly needed safety measures to insure the future of the sport and the health of its athletes. A 2017 study of 111 former NFL athletes found that 110 of them had C.T.E., a degenerative disease caused by repeated blows to the head that has been a factor in several high-profile suicides and other severe health problems (side-note, this part is completely true). Approaching speeds of less than 2 miles per hour, the NFL’s elite crawlers no longer need to worry about their brains turning into scrambled gobs of mush at age 32. 

The controversial new approach to the anthem debate is particularly confusing to dumbfounded Trump supporters struggling to comprehend the policy change. “Kneeling during anthem bad. But football good. But now football is kneeling. So now kneeling good? But no, kneeling bad! Cuz America. Now football bad? But how to protest football? Me kneel? But no, kneeling bad,” Mumbled one red-blooded sad sack as he slowly spun in circles outside of the Patriots stadium. 

Despite the unknowns as players, coaches, and fans gear up for an unprecedented and exhilarating start to the season, one thing is for sure: soccer is still objectively a much better sport than football. Just ask, you know, literally any other country on earth. You’ll catch on America. It’ll just take baby steps. Literally. Get it?

Cavs Worry Love's Concussion May Not Be Severe Enough to Keep Him Out of Entire NBA FInals

Cavaliers forward Kevin Love remains in concussion protocol, leaving his availability to play in Game 1 of the NBA Finals in doubt. This is prompting fears from teammates and fans alike that Love may actually be healthy to play at some point during the best-of-seven series.

Love was originally injured in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals after smashing heads with Celtics rookie sensation Jayson Taytum. Immediately following the play Lebron James could be seen high-fiving Tatum and slipping him a crisp $20 bill.

"Considering Tatum's phenomenal post-season this year, he is the only one I trusted to make the play," James commented. "Hard head. Great technique. The all-out-effort to clock Love straight in his big ugly forehead."

"During that time-out we attempted to gauge whether Love was concussed and confused enough that we could simply put him on a bus heading back to Minnesota and tell him he never left," Coach Tyronn Lue revealed.

The update that is breaking the hearts of Cavalier nation is that Love appears to be in a race against the clock, rather than simply being declared out for the entire post-season.

All season, but particularly during the playoffs the Cavaliers have been at their best when Love is anywhere but on the court. Cleveland is minus-20 in point differential with Love in the game but plus-18 when he's off.

As Thursday's Game 1 approaches the team is mulling various options to keep Love in street clothes. Team doctors have been working around the clock to determine the most effective treatment to re-concuss Love should he be cleared to play. Tune Squad experts from the set of Space Jam have been consulted on delivering creative and concussive blows.

The latest development in this story is the Cavaliers are considering a controversial but potentially effective new strategy of removing the guise of playing with 5 players and admitting they are better off with Lebron James operating solo.

Packers Sign Highly-Touted Free Agent God to Replace Injured Jordy Nelson

In an unprecedented and controversial move spurred from desperation, the Green Bay Packers have officially announced the high-profile signing of God as a wide receiver.

Following the season-ending injury to Aaron Rodgers’ favorite target, Jordy Nelson, the Packers feared their team could quickly plummet from Super Bowl favorites to struggling to even make the playoffs. Fortunately, after consulting with religious expert Glover Quin, a safety for the Detroit Lions, the Packers were reassured their despair was unwarranted.

“"God had meant for Jordy to be hurt,” Glover Quin commented. “If he wouldn't have got hurt today, if he wouldn't have played in that game, if he wouldn't have practiced anymore and the next time he walked on the field would have been opening day, I feel like he would have got hurt opening day.” http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/13509480/glover-quin-detroit-lions-defends-god-comment-jordy-nelson-injury

Known previously as a controversial figure and mentor to several athletes, God had previously been content to insure that players catch footballs for touchdowns, kick a ball between two posts for field goals, and insure that teams were stupid enough to continue to sign Tim Tebow to play quarterback.

In his first press conference sporting his new Packers gear, God explained his thought process leading up this unusual decision. “I mean I’m God, but Aaron Rodger is Aaron Rodgers!” God marveled. “I simply couldn’t miss the opportunity to team up with him in his prime. If I had to take out Jordy Nelson in the process so be it. It’s been said that I work in mysterious ways.”

                While avid NFL fans are eager to see God at the line of scrimmage every Sunday afternoon, others fear this could interrupt his primary duties as supreme ruler of the entire world. Ha! I bet you couldn’t read that with a straight face either. Everyone knows that God only cares about football.

Despite his new allegiance to the Green Bay Packers, God assures the millions of Americans lounging on their couches that God does sincerely care about your favorite team winning their sports game, and requests that you please continue to pray to him. “No, don’t get up. Don’t change the channel. Don’t go volunteer at your local charity. You sit there, and you demand that God makes sure a 6’5, 300 pound man crosses a white chalk line carrying an awkwardly shaped leather ball.”

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/13369076/houston-texans-arian-foster-goes-public-not-believing-god

 

Hey Guess What? Athletes Are Indeed Human

The Sports World is Shocked to Learn that Athletes Can Make Mistakes, Act Selfishly

Amid the outrage surrounding free agency’s latest “controversy,” DeAndre Jordan’s decision to change his mind (gasp!) and break his verbal agreement with the Dallas Mavericks and re-sign with the Los Angeles Clippers, it has been reaffirmed that professional athletes are actually just human beings.

“Despite their seemingly supernatural athletic abilities when it comes to their sport, in all other areas of social, emotional, and intellectual functioning, athletes are actually just the same as the rest of us,” a respected coach commented, eliciting gasps from the audience.

This realization may have profound implications for the future of athletics. Instead of considering LeBron James to be the spawn of Satan or a larger-than-life pile of horse shit following his decision to form a super-team with the Miami Heat, perhaps there are other explanations. Maybe, just maybe, he enjoys success just like the rest of us, and let this thrill momentarily cloud his judgement. Perhaps being the greatest basketball player on the planet gives him just a bit of an ego. Meanwhile it’s fine if you jump up and down hollering with pride because you just bested your roommate in a game of checkers.

Remember that time you had the chance to give that cute chick from Algebra class a ride home after seventh period, so you told your friend there wasn’t room for him in your car today? Remember how even though this happened no one sent you death threats. No one took a shirt with your name on it and burned it, before putting the video on YouTube. No one vowed to forever hate you and everything you stand for. Considering this fascinating revelation, perhaps it’s time to consider that the things that no one does to normal people should also be the things that no one does to athletes. Or does that hurt your regular person brain to even think about? Relax, knowing that Michael Jordan and Lionel Messi’s brains actually work exactly the same way that yours does.

Earlier this month when England lost the Women’s World Cup semifinal in heartbreaking fashion, as defender Laura Bassett accidentally deflected the ball into her own net, this became a national news story. Not because England lost, but because of the overwhelming support and sympathy Bassett garnered. Previous popular opinion was that athletes respond best to devastating mistakes when their once loyal fans bash them on Twitter and demand the athlete be left to fend off polar bears on a deserted ice cap in the Arctic. With new understanding into the inner workings of the athlete’s brain, it just may be possible that showings of sympathy, like that received by Laura Bassett should be the norm, not a crazy outlier that fans pat themselves on the back for. Congrats you sports enthusiast, for showing the tiniest thread of human decency and not making an athlete who already feels horrible for her accidental mistake feel a million times worse. Do you want a gold star?

The secrets as to why fans consider it acceptable to verbally abuse athletes, but more importantly fellow human beings who happen to play sports for a career, have finally been uncovered. Through groundbreaking advances in technology, scientists were able to uncover that a growing population of sports enthusiasts suffer from a serious condition called being a fucking asshole. Side effects include paying $200 to shout creative insults at a third baseman for three hours, ranting on Facebook about how missing a free throw should carry the same penalty as a third degree assault charge, and realizing deep down that you’re just a jealous, insecure jerk who got cut from the seventh grade B team because you couldn’t make a left-handed layup.

For fans who claim, “But athletes get paid millions of dollars a year and they’re supposed to be professionals. I deserve to yell at them when they screw up!” Sure, athletes miss big shots, they let emotions get the best of them, and yet someway, somehow, life goes on. When that center midfielder “betrayed” your team by transferring to your rival, did it really make your life any worse? Or did it actually enhance it by providing you with an easy option to take your frustrations out on. Someone who can’t defend themselves against thousands of vicious attackers, someone who is trying to make the best for themselves, someone who struggles to make everyone happy, someone who feels emotions, lives and breathes, just like you. (Only they can make the left handed lay-up. Oh and a 360 between-the legs reverse dunk, but that’s besides the point).

There’s No Way an Evil, Corrupt, Money-Crazed, Scandalous Organization Could Also Be Sexist, Right?

Despite the crumbling from within as FIFA has experienced a massive overhaul amid allegations of corruption and bribery, the 2015 Women’s World Cup will continue as planned beginning this Saturday, June 6 in host country Canada.

At first, FIFA President Sepp Blatter believed increasing the chances of horrifying injury by forcing games to be played on turf instead of natural grass, and encouraging the players to wear tighter shorts to “create a more female aesthetic” would be enough to insure a successful competition. However, due to fears over FIFA’s declining popularity, Blatter has implemented a few changes designed to increase the appeal of this month’s highly regarded tournament.

First, for the opening 25 minutes of each competition, the game will be played without a soccer ball on the field. “Do you ever turn on the television to watch your favorite pretty players run around, only to have that pesky ball get in the way?” Blatter explained. “This improvement is designed to showcase the players’ natural physical talent, without any unnecessary distractions.”

Additionally, in order to encourage a more appropriate and ladylike competition, yellow and red cards will be removed and players instead forced to offer a sincere, tearful apology for each foul.

Finally, new, exciting incentives will be offered to the World Cup’s winning team. This change developed in response to complaints about sex differences in wages between men’s and women’s players. For instance Cristiano Ronaldo earns a $19 million base salary, while Abby Wambach, the all time highest goal scorer of any player, male or female, earns $190,000. “We thought about simply increasing wages to women’s players,” Blatter commented. “But hair products and kitchen supplies only cost so much, what would they even do with more money? We decided instead that each person on the winning team gets to keep their very own David Beckham bobble head!”

Despite these unorthodox changes, FIFA has assured the public that all of these improvements are in the best interests of women’s players. “If we’ve learned anything from American politics, it’s that the people most qualified to make decisions about important women’s issues are men,” Blatter stated. “We pride ourselves in housing a 27 member FIFA executive committee that includes only 3 women in insignificant roles.”

Shortly following the announcement of these changes, several top women’s players threatened a lawsuit or even a boycott of the World Cup due to sexist and discriminatory practices. Blatter appeared unconcerned about this potential controversy however, claiming, “It’s probably just that time of the month for all of them.”

Breaking News: Following the announcement of his forced resignation, Blatter was attempting his descendance straight back down to Hell when a well-placed Megan Rapinoe curling free kicking knocked him into the middle of a U6 girls game who all proceeded to kick his ass.

To actually learn something non-satirical about this issue: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/03/sepp-blatter-leaving-fifa-sexist-policies

Minnesota Sports Organizations Apologize for Recent Successes, Promise to Return to Soul-Crushing Performances in the Near Future

An emergency meeting held at the blooming site of the once pitied Metrodome Stadium last night left the top officials of Minnesota professional franchises in a consensus that change is needed.

A string of recent athletic successes has shocked and outraged Minnesota’s loyal fan base. From the Twins current red-hot streak placing them 10 games above .500 and tied for first place, to the luck of the lottery finally handing the Timberwolves a number one overall pick, to the Wild’s deep run in the playoffs, the identity of Minnesota sports faces one of the most severe crises in recent memory.

“I sincerely share in the fans’ disappointment with the current outcome of this season,” Twins owner Jim Pohlad commented. “I promise a swift return to our historically awful roots. Despite our recent setback of sweeping the Boston Red Sox in 3 games of extraordinary pitching prowess, triple digits in losses is not unattainable.”

Statisticians wonder if the damage has already been done. As the wins have piled up the last few months, so have the empty seats. “There are very few things I know for certain in life,” stated a disgruntled fan. “You live, you die, and the Timberwolves are going to lose their next game. But this developing group of promising, young talent is making me question everything I’ve ever believed in.”

For years, Minnesota fans have proudly belonged in their niche as loveable losers. They thrived on supporting teams that pose so little threat to their opponents; one never needs to worry about missing an exciting moment of action to go get a hot dog. You get that hot dog.

The emphasis of last night’s meeting was to stress patience in returning to Minnesota’s losing ways. “The Minnesota sports tradition is a subtle version of awfulness,” Wild Head Coach Mike Yeo said. “A bad trade here, a key injury there, a few poor coaching decisions, and boom you’re in dead last.”

Timberwolves Coach Flip Saunders explained a similar philosophy. “NBA analysts believe there is no way we can go wrong picking either one of the consensus top two picks, Jahil Okafor or Karl-Anthony Towns, but trust me, we will find a way to blow this. Whether it’s drafting Frank Kaminsky who turns out to be the next Darko Milicic, or trading our top pick for an ancient former superstar with half a decent year left, we’ve been through too much to give up and become a playoff contender now.”

While these assurances have done little to calm the nerves of fans that now must actually build up a bit of excitement before watching their team play, they are hopeful for the future. “Every team gets lucky once in a while,” a Twins fan commented. “I have full faith in the team’s ability to destroy this promising season before the all star break’s over.”

Until that day comes, Minnesota sports fans everywhere must live with this new experience. No more cringing after perusing the morning’s box score, no more belly-bursting laughter after a friend suggests that maybe this is finally our year. The terrifying reality is this is our year. Charlie Brown never kicks the football, but somehow ours is sailing smoothly towards the uprights. In our own passive aggressive, Minnesota nice sort of way, we are all groaning about what in the world we did to deserve this unexpected and unwanted fate. If we have to re-sign a time-and-again proven loser like Christian Ponder to continue embarrassing himself at every position for every team, then let’s make it happen.