American Arsenal Supporters: Please Continue to be the Most Annoying Fans of any Team Ever, Because You Deserve It

The dedication, the sacrifice, the unwavering commitment. These attributes fully describe the lifelong bond between an American Arsenal fan, and their team. 

We get it, you were always an Arsenal fan from birth, there was no other option. It’s not like you thought to yourself, sitting in Ann Arbor, Michigan, or Silver Spring, Maryland, “Hmmm I really like a couple of Arsenal’s players, plus they are always pretty good and have one of the best managers of all time, it’s a fairly safe bet to be a fan of them.” No, your fan-ship goes way beyond that superficial stuff.

You scoff at Manchester United and Barcelona fans. Fair weather fans you call them, only like them because they’re famous and have great players and win. Nothing like our beloved underdogs Arsenal, only coming in second or third, maybe even fourth year after year. Talk about a lovable cinderella. 

You laugh when your non-soccer friend tells you, “I really love Wayne Rooney so I’m a fan of Manchester United.” That’s nothing like you at all, your love of your team goes way deeper, it’s a connection that only you can have, based on your love of everything Arsenal. I mean it’s not like Arsenal has had the fortune of world-famous players as well, Thierry who?

And now you are Arsenal to the bone. Watching the London derby from your couch in the Woodlands, Texas, you totally get the historic London rivalry that happens thousands of miles away from you. You hate Tottenham with a burning passion. When Theo Walcott held up that 2-0 sign during the latest Arsenal derby victory you could almost hear him saying, “This is for you American supporters, you make us the team we are. You get us.”

You know all the chants, even if you’ve never needed to sing them yourself. You think the Emirates is the most beautiful stadium in the world, never mind that you’ve  been only an ocean away. You wish Robin Van Persie would die a fiery death because he betrayed YOU. After all those joys and triumphs you shared together, he left you for another team. That’s like you just choosing to be a fan of another team besides Arsenal, which could never happen because you are a Gunner for life, it was never a just a convenient and obvious choice for your favorite English soccer team. No, your decision was bold and original, that’s why on your college soccer team you’re the only Arsenal supporter, it’s not like there are five or six of you.

So please, continue to take pride in being the most annoying soccer fans in the country. Rub it in the face of all your friends when Arsenal squeaks out a commanding 1-0 victory over an inferior opponent. Update your Facebook status to a video of Van Persie getting injured and tag your Manchester United friends in it. Gloat to everyone who will listen when Arsenal hangs onto it’s first place lead, then bring out every excuse in the book when they eventually fall to third or fourth.

You know that your team is better than everyone else’s team. Your critical insight as an Arsenal fan allows you to know your friends better than they know themselves. They might say “I really couldn’t care less”, when you describe in excruciating detail how Arsenal won a group stage Champions League game. But you know deep down that they really do want to hear about it, which is why you keep talking. Never mind that Arsenal hasn’t won a major trophy in recent memory. You are the team to beat, the English Premier League and even the soccer world revolves around you, and anyone who says otherwise is just jealous of your success.

You deserve it. Arsenal is your team. They are the lovable bunch of low-profile misfits that play soccer the way it’s meant to be played. They are the only team worth watching, Barcelona’s Tiki-taka? That's a joke compared to the beauty of an Aaron Ramsey through ball. So stand up and say loudly, I am an American Arsenal fan, I am entitled to act like a know-it-all jackass, because this is my sport, football (though I call it soccer), my nation, England (though I live in the United States), and my team Arsenal (because I happened to conveniently choose it). Long live the Gunners. 

JR Smith Blows Game After Accidentally Tying Own Shoes Together

New York Knicks guard JR Smith is at it again. The talented but troubled playmaker was fined $50,000 by the NBA last week after a childish prank of untying the shoelace of Dallas Maverick Shawn Marion during a free throw.

A strong reprimand from both commissioner David Stern and the Knicks coaching staff went astonishingly unnoticed as Smith attempted to repeat the feat, this time unsuccessfully, in competition against the Detroit Pistons.

In an unending quest to be the laughing stock of the league, the Knicks reinstated Smith the following game to disastrous consequences. In a tightly contested battle the Knicks led the New Orleans Pelicans by two points when Smith fouled forward Anthony Davis. 

Eager to make amends, Smith took matters into his own hands and attempted his tried and true method. He reached for the closest pair of shoes he could find, unfortunately Smith failed to realize they were his own. Snickering heavily, Smith quickly grabbed the laces of both shoes. 

Mouthing out “loop, swoop, and pull,” he firmly tied both shoelaces together, winking at Coach Woodson, who stared at him in disbelief. Davis nailed the first free-throw, bringing the Pelicans within a point. The second shot clanked off the rim, rebounding to Smith who corralled the ball, a victory all but assured.

Smith strode forward, his shoes helplessly strung together, as his body crashed to the floor. Screaming wildly for a foul call, Smith released the ball into the arms of Davis. Shaking with laughter, Davis managed to put up a wide-open layup as the buzzer sounded, cementing the loss for the Knicks.

Smith stared at his betraying own feet, a perplexed look on his face. Knicks star, Carmelo Anthony offered a hand to the fallen Smith, then after helping him up proceeded to slap him in the face. Eager to retaliate, Smith advanced on Carmelo, only to sprawl to the ground again. Looking sheepishly at his shoes Smith whimpered, “Does anyone know how to untie a double knot?”

Unsurprisingly, Smith showed a lack of regret in post-game interviews. “Look, it’s a mistake that could happen to anybody,” Smith commented. “Some people miss wide open shots, others pass the ball out of bounds, I tied my shoelaces together. You miss 100 percent of the shoelaces you don’t tie.”

Smith detailed his plans for the shoelace tie to become an integral part of his evolving game. “With this latest effort I am now 1 for 3 on attempting to tie opponents shoelaces together. That’s 33 percent, a decent three-point shooting mark. Through dedicated practice and film sessions I intend to perfect this art and unleash it on opponents throughout the NBA.”

Commissioner David Stern released an official statement after the game, saying, “The NBA has decided that Smith’s punishment will be mandatory community service, since fines clearly have no effect on this individual.” Following this mandate, Smith has announced that he will open the JR Smith Center for Kids Who Can’t Tie Shoes Good, And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Derrick Rose Promises to Return with X-Ray Vision, Three Arms

         As the new year begins and reflections of 2013 wrap up, Chicago sports fans certainly hope that next year will be better. After yet another early exit from the playoffs for the Bulls, Aaron Rodgers crushing the hopes of Bears fans in the dying seconds of the regular season finale, and the comedic bottom-dwelling seasons of the White Sox and Cubs, Chicago fans didn’t have much to be thankful for this calendar year.

Sure, they attempted to feebly convince themselves, “At least we won the NHL Cup,” but deep down pondered the same question, does anyone really care about hockey? “I’m an avid Blackhawks fan,” defended one Chicago native, “but I do sometimes get confused as to why they stop hitting each other to chase after that tiny black thing on the ice and swat at it. I mean what’s the point?” 

But certainly the cherry on top of a crummy 2013 was the news that Derrick Rose, the supposed savior of Chicago sports, would once again watch the remainder of this season’s games in street clothes. Outcomes already look bleak, as the Rose-less and hopeless Bulls have dropped to an abysmal 12-18 record by New Year’s Eve.

The country waited in anticipation this preseason for the much-hyped return of Rose from his previous injury. He confidently assured the world that not only would he be back to full strength, he would be better than ever.

Rose bragged of a vertical improved by five inches, a physique other NBA players could only dream of, and a newfound desire and determination that would lead the Bulls back the the championship.

True to his word, Rose looked razor sharp in preseason. His jumper stayed true, crossover left defenders dazed, even Joakim Noah could be seen visibly salivating and slightly spasming every time Rose had the ball. 

A true legend confirmed Rose’s sparkling start, “In my prime I could defend pretty much any player in the NBA with ease,” recalled longtime great Brian Scalabrine, “But even I would have trouble matching pace with Rose on an end-to-end fast break.”

Tragically, the fairy tale hopes of Bulls fans ended all too soon. His fragile legs were unable to handle the weight of his big mouth as he collapsed to another season-ending injury. In other words, he could talk the talk, but quite literally could no longer walk the walk. 

While little hope is left for a playoffs run this year, Rose has already begun using his remaining intact talent to prepare for next season: making outlandish claims designed to hype up and ultimately destroy his Chicago fan base.

Rose assembled a recent press conference to share a closer look at his rehabilitation process. “This season I came back with a vertical that was five inches higher, but clearly that wasn’t enough,” said Rose. “So in preseason 2014, I’m coming back with X-ray vision, that thing in Space Jam where the tasmanian devil spins really fast and knocks people over, and a third arm.” He then proceeded to drop the microphone yelling “Boom goes the dynamite,” and limped off-screen.

In following interviews, Rose explained some of his controversial techniques for improving his abilities on the court. Filled with a resolve that only an MVP quality player in his prime could have, Rose is making every effort to once again return a better basketball player than before his injury. 

“Ask any opponent right now if they can handle me guarding them with two hands, probably won’t get many volunteers,” explained Rose. “Now, take those two hands and add one. That’s right, that’s three hands. I could be eating a hotdog in one hand, playing D with another, and maybe flipping off the haters with the third. Lebron may win MVP again, but MVPWTA, MVP With Three Arms, that’s all DRose.”

When prompted about the specifics of growing a third limb, Rose described it as a simple combination of proper weight training, meditation and pixie dust. “To put it simply, I’m too good a player to not grow a third arm. Plus I discussed this procedure with the two best doctors I know, Julius Irving and Doc Rivers.”

When asked for a comment, Coach Rivers burst into hysterics, laughing for several minutes before blurting out, “He fell for that shit?” and then walked away shaking his head.

Meanwhile, Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau has given his full support to Rose in his extraordinary rehab efforts. “I’ve watched Space Jam 37 times this past week examining the astounding footwork the Tasmanian Devil utilizes, in order to teach Rose the same techniques,” stated Thibodeau. “It beats re-watching one of our embarrassing losses again and pretending to learn something from it.

Finally, Rose promises that when he’s back to full health, he’s all in. “When Lebron moved to Miami, he talked about not one, not two, not three ... championships. Well I, Derek Rose, representative of the Chicago Bulls, am guaranteeing not one, not two, not three, okay maybe three, three or four games before I get injured next season. Another 11 month vacation, yeah bay-bayyy!”

In short, we can rest assured that Derrick Rose will continue to haunt Chicago Bulls fans with outlandish claims that will provide them a glimmer of hope, and sidesplitting entertainment for the rest of us.