Beyonce to Open for Benjamin Charney in Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show

Super Bowl officials announced yesterday that singing sensation Benjamin Charney will serve as the feature performer during the 2013 Super Bowl halftime show. Charney, singer of “The Perfect Song”, nominated for Best Youtube Hit in this year’s Grammys, headlines what is sure to be the most memorable performance in years.

Already known as quite the ladies man, Charney, with his size 20 clown shoes and body sculpted with Oreos and Nutella, says there’s more to him than his good looks. Brimming with undeniable talent, he is eager to prove himself as the nation’s biggest new star.

Several promotional campaigns have already been started to raise excitement for the event. The most anticipated of these is the Charney Kidney Stone Raffle. Five lucky fans will have the honor of leaving the stadium possessing one of Charney’s personal kidney stones. Tickets cost $25 and all proceeds will go to the Why Do the Trees Look So Sad Today Foundation.

The halftime performance itself features an electrifying cast. The show will contain two live gingers, Michael Hurley and Eric Christiansen, for the audience’s amusement. They have been fully trained by ginger expert Lars Olsen, who will be standing by with his Katana in case any mishaps occur. Super Bowl officials warn that viewer discretion is advised, and they are not responsible for any emotional damage to audience members that may result from exposure.

Accompanying Charney as background dancers are interpretive dance experts Elliot Meyer and Joey Brown. Along with performing, Meyer will simultaneously live tweet, blog, and facebook anything he thinks of during the show. Brown has pledged to be there, but as everyone knows he will probably flake. Luckily his understudy, Ezra “Bambi” Edgerton, has been wearing a tutu for the past month in case his gentle, graceful presence is needed at the last minute.

Additionally, fans will have the chance to take a photo with the one and only Jerry Brown, who will be wearing nothing but a speedo and covered in body oil. Several fans will also have the opportunity to not take the same photo with Alex Marker, if they pay an additional fee.

Charney has been extensively preparing for the show, however a relatively new and unknown artist he understands he may receive his fair share of criticism during the show. His manager Pun Winichakul has strived to address this problem by insulting Charney as often and with as much ferocity as possible. He explains this unique strategy by saying, “My hope is that by the time I’m through tearing him apart he’ll be so dead inside emotionally that nothing anyone can say during the show will hurt him anymore.” 

The dedicated manager has even hired two professional tools, Lukas Eng and Isaiah Tyree, to live with Charney full-time and belittle, physically abuse, and essentially make Charney’s life a living hell. Eng specializes in a direct approach, with a constant barrage of insults about Charney’s physique and his love for Sara Charney. Alternatively, Tyree’s route includes serenading Charney with his guitar and feeding off of Charney’s low self-esteem to boost his own ego. 

Security for the Super Bowl this year is expected to be at an all-time high. Chief Guard Jay Dreier has personally pledged to perform an extensive and invasive full-body strip search of all persons entering the stadium. Once inside, guard Reed Caron will stand against a wall in the corner, diligently pretending to do something while nodding at fans as they walk past.

A big disappointment announced for the halftime show is that “The Analyzer” Chris Graves will not be able to perform his world-renowned act. He recently signed a contract with the Baltimore Ravens to play quarterback and wide receiver, while coaching himself. When asked if he could handle playing multiple positions, Graves responded, “There are very few things I can’t do.”

Sanitation has been a big problem in past Super Bowls, with drunken enraged fans making it their duty to trash the entire stadium until the floor is no longer visible. However an experience garbage cleanup team, the FRESHmen, has volunteered to help out after the conclusion of Sunday’s festivities, leaving the stadium spotless. A talented squad of Victor “VAG” Ghazal, Ambar “Dibs” Kakkar, Zach “I Mean” Liebman, and David “Crazy Motherf#$%er” Leitson, among others, have agreed to help on the condition that someone else will get it next time, preferably Leo Rojas.

This reporter is saddened to announce that during the process of writing this article, Benjamin Charney has died at the age of 83. He suffered from a sudden simultaneous infliction of Polio, getting his ass kicked by an 8 year old girl, and Bieber Fever. Super Bowl officials have been working feverishly to find Charney’s replacement during the halftime show. Rumor has it that a Warner Sighting may be a possible alternative. Ben Warner could not be reached for comment.

Trouble Brews for T’Wolves as Linguistic Struggles Continue on the Court

The Minnesota Timberwolves held high hopes for the 2012-13 season as an opportunity to right the ship and finally contest in the playoffs. While flashes of brilliance have been shown throughout the early portions of the season, the Wolves have struggled to find their groove as a team. Three-point shooting has been an issue and injuries certainly played a factor, but Coach Rick Adelman blames their recent failures on one troubling concern that few teams have faced, English. 

In a recent press conference following a disheartening home loss to the Houston Rockets, a clearly heated Coach Adelman stormed to the podium growling, “How can I coach a basketball team when nobody speaks the same goddamn language!” 

Minnesota was criticized earlier this year for a lack of diversity, mainly resulting from having only three African-American players on their roster. While traditionally African-Americans have dominated the sport, there is another reason they tend to perform so well in the NBA, they normally speak English.

The Timberwolves roster, bulging with foreign players, has been revealed that less than half the players speak or understand any English at all. While talented players like Russian Andrei Kirilenko and Spanish sensation Ricky Rubio have been at times filling up the stat sheets, simple words from teammates like “I’m open”, or “screen” have left these players spinning around bewildered, at times freezing during play and asking their translator on the bench what just happened. 

Recent locker room incidents have contributed to the lack of cohesion among the team. During halftime against the Thunder, while Rubio and countryman Jose Juan Barea were sharing a joke in Spanish, center Nikola Pekovic lunged at the pair, swinging his monstrous arms like clubs. While being restrained by teammates he bellowed, “What is this word you say? In my country you say this word and your toes fed to goat!”

Coach Adelman has been frustrated by his team’s lack of verbal progress this season, taking extreme measures. Following a midmorning practice in which rookie Alexey Shved dropped to the court and covered his head as a result of a teammate yelling “shoot”, Adelman cancelled the practice and spent the rest of the day having his players copy down letters of the alphabet. 

Management has attempted to acquire additional English speaking players through trades, unsuccessfully to this point. While a promising deal was reached with the Indiana Pacers, the terms fell through when trading block Lou Amundson failed to pass the contract requirements, scoring just below 12 percent on a second-grade level vocabulary exam.

The team is hopeful help will arrive shortly in the form of injured Timberwolves Brandon Roy and Chase Budinger. Both are expected to be a key asset on the court as they possess at least a rudimentary grasp of the English language. The injury-prone Roy has been careful not to push his delicate vocal cords too far in rehab though and may not return for months. He declined to comment on the issue for fear of a further verbal setback.

The team is also in the process of renegotiating the contract of emerging center Nikola Pekovic. His agent has requested a deal in which Pekovic will learn English over a three-year contract, provided he is given an unlimited supply of bratwursts from concessions after each home game, and is allowed to kill one man a year with his bare hands. The sides appear close to an agreement.

For now however the future of this team remains in doubt. A promising and exciting group, the Timberwolves most daunting opponent has been themselves and the linguistic boundaries that have haunted their young season. Superstar Kevin Love has perhaps been the most affected by this struggle, with some questioning whether he has mentally checked out of the game. As the buzzer sounded in last week’s defeat he was heard ranting, “Ha ha okay good one guys, joke’s over. I know you can speak English. Ricky? Nikola? You can understand me right? Guys? Ha ha ha. What the hell! This is America, people!” He rambled for several minutes before being dragged off the court by assistant coaches, still shouting and jumping up and down trying to snag an imaginary rebound.

Roberto Mancini Signs Women’s Superstar Alex Morgan for Manchester City

Manchester City, last year’s Premier League champions, have struggled by their standards this season. They sit at a distant second behind rival Manchester United, with fans worrying the title may be slipping out of reach.

With many big name signings swapping teams this season, Coach Roberto Mancini has topped them all by reaching out to US women’s player Alex Morgan, bringing on the forward to rejuvenate the slumping team. “Alex just has a certain quality about her,” Mancini said. “She has blazing speed, a great poacher’s instinct, and most importantly she’s ridiculously hot.”

Lately Manchester City and its fans have noticed a critical weakness that has been haunting its team, an overall hideousness of its players. There has been a noted lack of motivation this season, with several teammates complaining about the pressures of having to look at sights like Carlos Tevez’s disgusting face day after day.

“Vincent Kompany is a great captain and a fantastic player,” midfielder David Silva commented. “But how am I supposed to listen to a single goddamn word he says if I’m staring at that huge, alien-shaped head?”

The team hopes bringing on Morgan will help the players talk less about how they want to gouge their eyes out with their cleats, and more about actually winning soccer games. 

Morgan understands her specific role on the team. In recent practices she has worked hard practicing technique on her seductive looks and flirtatious smiles. FIFA has implemented Manchester City’s request that referees are required to show Morgan a yellow card if she does not take her shirt off after scoring a goal.

The signing appears to be slowly paying off, but does have its weaknesses. There has been a noticeable deterioration in the play of flashy striker Mario Balotelli. Since the new arrival, Balotelli no longer shows the slightest interest in playing soccer, repeatedly choosing instead to freeze in a masculine pose for the entire time he remains on the pitch, staring stone-faced at Morgan.

There was one ugly incident in a scrimmage, when an all-out brawl erupted following an argument over who got to mark Morgan on a corner kick, after James Milner screamed at Jolean Lescott, “You don’t deserve to be near her, you disgusting, balding freak!”

Morale has indeed improved for a majority of the players. Recently the entire team has been arriving in the locker room hours early to each practice, claiming they don’t want to miss any opportunity to bond with their new teammate in an intimate setting. 

The controversial move has been paying off on game-day as well. The team recently throttled third place Arsenal 8-0, with Morgan recording a hat-trick, showing signs of an impressive partnership with Tevez. Arsenal defender Bacary Sagna complained in the post-game interview, “Looking from Alex to Carlos to Alex to Carlos, it’s unbearable. It’s the two most extreme sights these eyes have ever seen. I ended the game horny, horrified, and I’m pretty sure permanently emotionally damaged.”

Coach Mancini has yet to see whether his untested method will pay off in the long run. But fail or succeed, he’s now happy to simply sit back and watch Alex Morgan.