NFL Reverses Course: Kneeling Required Not Just During Anthem but Also During Game

Amid growing concerns over the NFL’s rapid decline in popularity, football is implementing a bold new strategy designed to renew the love of the game for fans and players alike. Players will be required to play on their hands and knees for all games and football-related activities.

The decision comes following a unanimous vote that Donald Trump can fuck off. The previous policy created by primarily white “owners” forced the NFL’s primarily black athletes to stand during the national anthem as a blatant reminder that white supremacy is still alive and well in our country.  As a measure to counteract this absurdity, the latest revision instead demands that players kneel both during and after the anthem.

The apparent benefits of this new decisions are being endorsed across the country as an inspired move destined to rejuvenate football to its former greatness. “This really allows us to return to the fundamentals of football,” Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers commented. “Pass, catch, tackle, waddle.” Fans can now look forward to explosive talents like Le’Veon Bell inching through a gap at speeds so slow that instant replay will become an unnecessary relic of the past.

Teams are now scrambling to hire the top new-born baby coaching talent to guide their team to victory. 8-month-old Jeffrey Hatchett, hands and knees crawling expert, was recently scooped up as head coach of the Seattle Seahawks for a two-year, $18 million deal. 

The rule change is also designed to implement badly needed safety measures to insure the future of the sport and the health of its athletes. A 2017 study of 111 former NFL athletes found that 110 of them had C.T.E., a degenerative disease caused by repeated blows to the head that has been a factor in several high-profile suicides and other severe health problems (side-note, this part is completely true). Approaching speeds of less than 2 miles per hour, the NFL’s elite crawlers no longer need to worry about their brains turning into scrambled gobs of mush at age 32. 

The controversial new approach to the anthem debate is particularly confusing to dumbfounded Trump supporters struggling to comprehend the policy change. “Kneeling during anthem bad. But football good. But now football is kneeling. So now kneeling good? But no, kneeling bad! Cuz America. Now football bad? But how to protest football? Me kneel? But no, kneeling bad,” Mumbled one red-blooded sad sack as he slowly spun in circles outside of the Patriots stadium. 

Despite the unknowns as players, coaches, and fans gear up for an unprecedented and exhilarating start to the season, one thing is for sure: soccer is still objectively a much better sport than football. Just ask, you know, literally any other country on earth. You’ll catch on America. It’ll just take baby steps. Literally. Get it?

Cavs Worry Love's Concussion May Not Be Severe Enough to Keep Him Out of Entire NBA FInals

Cavaliers forward Kevin Love remains in concussion protocol, leaving his availability to play in Game 1 of the NBA Finals in doubt. This is prompting fears from teammates and fans alike that Love may actually be healthy to play at some point during the best-of-seven series.

Love was originally injured in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals after smashing heads with Celtics rookie sensation Jayson Taytum. Immediately following the play Lebron James could be seen high-fiving Tatum and slipping him a crisp $20 bill.

"Considering Tatum's phenomenal post-season this year, he is the only one I trusted to make the play," James commented. "Hard head. Great technique. The all-out-effort to clock Love straight in his big ugly forehead."

"During that time-out we attempted to gauge whether Love was concussed and confused enough that we could simply put him on a bus heading back to Minnesota and tell him he never left," Coach Tyronn Lue revealed.

The update that is breaking the hearts of Cavalier nation is that Love appears to be in a race against the clock, rather than simply being declared out for the entire post-season.

All season, but particularly during the playoffs the Cavaliers have been at their best when Love is anywhere but on the court. Cleveland is minus-20 in point differential with Love in the game but plus-18 when he's off.

As Thursday's Game 1 approaches the team is mulling various options to keep Love in street clothes. Team doctors have been working around the clock to determine the most effective treatment to re-concuss Love should he be cleared to play. Tune Squad experts from the set of Space Jam have been consulted on delivering creative and concussive blows.

The latest development in this story is the Cavaliers are considering a controversial but potentially effective new strategy of removing the guise of playing with 5 players and admitting they are better off with Lebron James operating solo.