An emergency meeting held at the
blooming site of the once pitied Metrodome Stadium last night left the top
officials of Minnesota professional franchises in a consensus that change is
needed.
A string of recent athletic
successes has shocked and outraged Minnesota’s loyal fan base. From the Twins
current red-hot streak placing them 10 games above .500 and tied for first
place, to the luck of the lottery finally handing the Timberwolves a number one
overall pick, to the Wild’s deep run in the playoffs, the identity of Minnesota
sports faces one of the most severe crises in recent memory.
“I sincerely share in the fans’
disappointment with the current outcome of this season,” Twins owner Jim Pohlad
commented. “I promise a swift return to our historically awful roots. Despite
our recent setback of sweeping the Boston Red Sox in 3 games of extraordinary
pitching prowess, triple digits in losses is not unattainable.”
Statisticians wonder if the damage
has already been done. As the wins have piled up the last few months, so have
the empty seats. “There are very few things I know for certain in life,” stated
a disgruntled fan. “You live, you die, and the Timberwolves are going to lose
their next game. But this developing group of promising, young talent is making
me question everything I’ve ever believed in.”
For years, Minnesota fans have
proudly belonged in their niche as loveable losers. They thrived on supporting
teams that pose so little threat to their opponents; one never needs to worry
about missing an exciting moment of action to go get a hot dog. You get that
hot dog.
The emphasis of last night’s
meeting was to stress patience in returning to Minnesota’s losing ways. “The
Minnesota sports tradition is a subtle version of awfulness,” Wild Head Coach
Mike Yeo said. “A bad trade here, a key injury there, a few poor coaching
decisions, and boom you’re in dead last.”
Timberwolves Coach Flip Saunders
explained a similar philosophy. “NBA analysts believe there is no way we can go
wrong picking either one of the consensus top two picks, Jahil Okafor or
Karl-Anthony Towns, but trust me, we will find a way to blow this. Whether it’s
drafting Frank Kaminsky who turns out to be the next Darko Milicic, or trading
our top pick for an ancient former superstar with half a decent year left,
we’ve been through too much to give up and become a playoff contender now.”
While these assurances have done
little to calm the nerves of fans that now must actually build up a bit of excitement
before watching their team play, they are hopeful for the future. “Every team
gets lucky once in a while,” a Twins fan commented. “I have full faith in the
team’s ability to destroy this promising season before the all star break’s
over.”
Until
that day comes, Minnesota sports fans everywhere must live with this new
experience. No more cringing after perusing the morning’s box score, no more
belly-bursting laughter after a friend suggests that maybe this is finally our
year. The terrifying reality is this is our year. Charlie Brown never kicks the
football, but somehow ours is sailing smoothly towards the uprights. In our own
passive aggressive, Minnesota nice sort of way, we are all groaning about what
in the world we did to deserve this unexpected and unwanted fate. If we have to
re-sign a time-and-again proven loser like Christian Ponder to continue
embarrassing himself at every position for every team, then let’s make it
happen.
