Cristiano Ronaldo Finally Comes Out

In today’s progressive society, massive steps have been taken towards creating an environment of equality for all. The sports world is no exception, with athletes receiving increasing acceptance and embracement from their teammates for openly coming out. Propelling this trend of acceptance to an unprecedented level, Real Madrid star Cristiano Ronaldo has shocked the sports scene by recently admitting that he is, in fact, a little bitch.
In an impromptu press conference called late last night, Ronaldo explained that he had been struggling with the decision for several months before bravely revealing that he is a huge asshole. “I understand the stigmatizations and consequences that come with this announcement, but I need to be true to myself,” Ronaldo stated. “I can only hope this encourages assholes like me everywhere to resist the urge to shy away from who they are.”
Ronaldo has previously been accused of being a little bitch several times in the past, but firmly denied this, claiming he was just as much a decent person as anyone else. “I had my doubts every time I’d win a header over him and he’d fall to the ground whimpering like a schoolgirl and making pouty faces at the ref,” Barcelona defender Carles Puyol commented.
Ronaldo hopes that awareness will spread of this little known identity. “The most important thing I want people to take away is that being this much of a douche is not a choice,” Ronaldo stated. “I am an asshole now, and I will be an asshole forever.”
Ronaldo now plans to proudly display his true self as a model to awful people everywhere. Just this morning he purchased 6 pairs of $1000 leather skinny jeans, stitched using unpaid child laborers.  “I’m not afraid anymore,” he proclaimed. “In a few minutes I’ll probably send Messi a text saying I hate his guts and I slept with his mom.”
How this will affect the Real Madrid locker room remains to be seen. Fellow Portugal and Real Madrid teammate Pepe enthusiastically approved of Ronaldo’s decision to come out, and plans to support and mentor Ronaldo in being the player every opponent wants to see carried off the field in a stretcher.
However, complete acceptance around the league faces challenging obstacles. While alleged assholes have thrived in sports for years, from Metta World Peace to Chad Ochocinco, Ronaldo remains the first and only athlete to publicly reveal his orientation.
“Other assholes have tried to hide their true awful selves, through charity work, changing to ridiculous names and pretending to be good teammates,” Ronaldo explained. “No more. To be honest when I get the ball my teammates should probably bring a good book to read or something, because there is no way in hell that I’m passing to any of them.”
Ronaldo asks for support from his fans, and pledges to continue resisting pressure from positive sources to become a better person. “I am the absolute worst, and I will forever fight for my right to act like the perfect blend of a prepubescent girl, spoiled man-child, and real-life Barney Stinson.”